Monday, May 25, 2015

Crying Over Spilled Milk

Or in my case, a burnt quesadilla.

I thought that I had been doing pretty good the past few weeks. I've been trying my best to stay positive, to be grateful for everything that I have, and not to focus on what I lost. I thought it had been working pretty well.

Please don't misunderstand me, I was not trying to ignore or suppress my grief. At least not intentionally. I understand that this is a process and there will be good days and bad days. But yesterday I surprised myself.

I was making myself a quesadilla in the oven. I got sidetracked, and I started to smell burning. I pulled the quesadilla out and it was scorched. And then I started to cry.

I KNEW I was overreacting. At first I thought, what is wrong with me? I'll just make another one. Stop crying!

But then I realized what I was really crying about. And I let myself feel it. I leaned my elbows on the counter, put my head in my hands, and let it all out.

I think it was the disappointment that set it off. That feeling that I had attempted to create something and failed at it. Even though it was so minor, I think that feeling was my trigger.

I haven't consciously been paying attention to the weeks as they go by. I'm not sure exactly what week gestation I would be now. But I know that I would be right around the time where I would find out if I was having a boy or a girl.

But instead I'm crying over burnt quesadillas, with an empty womb, and not much hope to speak of.

Grief takes time. Healing takes time. I'm not sure how much time it will take, but I'm sure I will have hard moments for months or even years to come. Especially as we get closer to my due date. Or as I watch other women in my life who are pregnant, see their bellies swell, and look down at mine and wonder what could have been.



  1. It is so hard and so unfair. Last year around this time, I went to a birthday party and there were TWO girls there who were pregnant and due around the time I would have been due. I had tried not to track the weeks, but it was my first time face to face with what my bump might have looked like at that point. And it was awful.

    I'm glad you are paying attention to your grief and giving yourself freedom to grieve in all the necessary ways. And I pray for hope and life in your future, in the timing that is right for your heart.

    1. Thank you Rebecca. I hate that we have this in common but it's comforting to know that others have gone through the same thing and survived.

  2. Oh sugars! I am so sorry! But I'm glad you took that time to just cry it out. We need to have those moments. I always say that tears wash the soul. Love ya girl! And praying. xo

    1. Thank you Elisha! Crying isn't fun, but you're right, it is a very cleansing and cathartic process. Sometimes we just have to let the emotions out in a safe place.