Closing a Window

Image courtesy of Betsssssy on Flickr

I had a dream last night that I was talking with my sister about having a baby.  She asked me if we were going to try again.  In my dream, I told her that we "closed that window". There was even imagery of a big window with a beautiful meadow on the other side.  I found it odd....I didn't say closed the door, but closed the window. I woke up and was really curious....what was that about? What is my subconscious trying to say?

The more I thought about it, the more it makes sense to me. Daniel and I recently made the decision that I'll be getting back on birth control soon. We are very happy with a family of 3 and I don't want to do anymore fertility treatments. So essentially, we have closed the door on having a biological child.

But really, like in my dream, it's more like closing a window. I will forever wonder and envision what my life would have been like if things had turned out differently. I will always wonder what our child would have looked like, if Daniel and I were able to conceive.  If our ability to have children was as simple as stating "let's get pregnant!" Unfortunately it was never that simple.

But, I've been thinking about this for a while now, even if its just to manage my endo symptoms. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I'm still a little unsure how it will feel to start taking birth control pills after 6 years of being off of them. And what it will feel like to take a pill every day to "prevent" something that my body prevents just fine on it's own. But I guess in that sense, it won't be that different.

Here's what I'm looking forward to:

• Less acne! I'm an adult and so sick of this, lol
• No more spotting! Two weeks every month? I'm so done.
• Lighter periods! Maybe I can actually use my Diva Cup on my heavy days now!
• No glimmer of hope every month wondering "could it be?" (Yes, this still happens.)

So, that's where I'm at. Does this mean I'm no longer an "infertile"? I think not! That is so ingrained in me now, and I love this community so much, I don't think I will ever ditch that label. After all, this is my tribe, and no matter what I will continue to advocate and support those in the trenches. This is still very much a large part of who I am, and that will never change.