Since I work in HR, I'm usually one of the first to know when an employee or his spouse are pregnant because they come to me for FMLA paperwork or benefits questions. I try to help them as much as I can without becoming too envious, but it's so hard sometimes. Like today, I was talking to a guy about open enrollment which is coming up soon, and he told me all about how his wife is due in September. She got pregnant on their honeymoon and now she is quitting her job so she can be a stay at home mom. They found out a few weeks ago that it's a boy.
As I was listening to him and how excited he was for this adventure he's experiencing with his new wife, I became so jealous and sad. I can't even imagine what it would be like to get pregnant on the first try. Or the second...or the third... I'm up to about 27 tries now and still no baby. Each time Aunt Flo shows up is another heartbreak; sometimes there are tears and other times there is just a feeling of emptiness. Then each cycle as I approach ovulation all of a sudden I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, only to be shut out again a few weeks later.
I'm honestly happy for my coworker because he is so nice and I know he deserves this. But it still makes me so sad, because I can't help but think that I might not experience that thrill of a new life. I'm sure they are getting their nursery together, reading all of the first time parent's books they can get their hands on. Picking out names, starting a registry, all of those fun things that parents get to experience. And here I am, a few months since my surgery, anxiously awaiting a Urology appointment for Daniel. And in my free time, contemplating IUI, IVF, or adoption.
And those who would ask, "Why don't you just adopt?" Well...that's a difficult question to answer. Would you so quickly have given up on having your own children? Creating a life with the man you love? Or experiencing pregnancy at least once? Of course, if I was told that Daniel and I could never have children, I would move more quickly towards adoption. But there is still a small chance, a glimmer of hope, and I'm holding on to that with everything I have.
It just seems so twisted. After so many years of being responsible and focused, trying so hard not to get pregnant until the time was right, it turns out I have to struggle for years to start a family. I wonder if it's karma because I did something wrong, or if I would be a bad parent so God isn't allowing me to get pregnant. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, and most of the time I try to be hopeful. But on days like this when I see someone else so happy, and something I want so badly to come so easily for him, I just feel sad.
I pray that I don't feel this way forever. I hope someday I can be truly happy when I find out a friend is pregnant, instead of feeling sick with envy. I wish I could see a pregnant woman without being reminded of my own complicated journey TTC. I hope someday I can walk through the baby section at Target without feeling a pit in my stomach and tears welling up in my eyes. I wish I could feel hopeful without feeling naive.
I'm sorry for the depressing post. But this journey isn't all sunshine and rainbows. There are a lot of dark places that are so easy and comfortable to fall into. It's days like this that define the struggle of infertility. A conversation "normal" people have about starting a family can just about push an infertile person over the edge into frustration and hopelessness.
Along this journey there will be some really hard days, days when it feels like a baby just isn't in the cards for us. I'm not sure how much more time, money, or tears it will take. But I know that day will come when I wake up and discover I'm finally pregnant, and that hope is what keeps me going. It WILL happen, it's just a matter of time.