Shifting Gears from TTC to Adoption

Since my adoption announcement, I've been wondering how much to share on the blog.  I want to be careful and cognizant of both the birth mother, whose privacy I want to respect, and the baby, who may some day come across this blog and read about how her story began.  Keeping that in mind, I still want to share what I'm going through with you guys! This blog has been such a positive outlet for me and I've made so many friends and connections over the past couple of years. So I will continue to write about our journey and I hope you follow along.

It's definitely been an emotional process for me from the beginning.  The adoption situation came up so suddenly and out of nowhere, I barely had any time to process it all. When we were first approached about it, I was still dealing with the grief from my miscarriage and my due date in October.  There were a lot of complex feelings and emotions that I was dealing with at the time. And obviously Daniel and I made a very thoughtful decision to pursue this adoption despite those things. Since then, I've been trying to balance my grief with the hope that this adoption has given me. My therapist was a huge help as I worked through these conflicting emotions.

With each passing day, I feel less and less attached to TTC and getting pregnant the ol' fashioned way. Even before the adoption situation came up, I was already starting to let those expectations go. Of course Daniel and I would be thrilled if we were to conceive naturally, miracles happen every day. And we have our 2 snowflakes that I hope to be reunited with in the future. But for now, we are putting all of that on the back burner.

Releasing expectations of my own pregnancy wasn't easy, and I still have feelings of jealousy towards pregnant women and new mothers.  I'm not sure that will ever go away.  And of course I've struggled with the fear that this adoption won't work out. Specifically, that the birth mother will change her mind. I know this is a fear that everyone pursuing adoption has to face. But I'm not focusing on that now, I'm focusing on the positives and staying hopeful that in a few short months I will finally be a mom.

So much of this situation is completely outside of my control. It's been difficult at times, but I'm finally learning to let go of negativity and fear. Just living in the moment has been so immensely comforting to me. I have had to learn to let go and just take each day as it comes, and to acknowledge my emotions and release them when I need to. I'm finally able to feel hope again after so long, and that has been a powerful change for me.

I feel like I've come a long way from where I was a year ago, and I'm so excited to see what the future holds! I know how lucky we are to have an opportunity to adopt this way without using an agency or waiting years for a match.  Daniel and I are beyond excited and can't wait to meet our baby girl!

Reflection | 2015

Image courtesy of Pierre Aden on Flickr

I apologize for being so quiet on the blog lately. Between the holidays and work, I just haven't found the time or inspiration to write anything worth reading. Yet, as the year draws to a close, I started thinking about everything that's happened in the past 12 months. And how I've changed so much in such a short period of time.

The phrase "pain changes you" is something I think about often. I find that it's completely true, but that change isn't always bad.

When something awful happens, you somehow find the strength to get through it. You survive, day by day, even when the pain is unbearable. That strength has astounded me.

Looking back on 2015, I don't know how I survived a miscarriage. Or how I managed that while starting a new job simultaneously. But I did. 

My heart had been broken and I'm still trying to piece it back together. I don't think it will ever be completely healed.

But the scars prove something, even if I'm the only one who knows they exist.

I'm stronger and more resilient than I ever thought I could be. And I've learned that when one door closes, another door (or window) will open.

And with that, I'm looking forward to the new year and the possibilities it holds.

My 2016 Wish List

Become a mommy

Volunteer with Resolve

Get a promotion

Visit Ramsey Canyon
Stay overnight at the haunted Jerome Grand Hotel
Visit Hogwarts at Universal Studios California

Write more

Stress less

What are you looking forward to in 2016?

How to be a Hopeful Pessimist

In my natural state, I am a pessimist. Through and through. I always have been, and most of the time I prepare myself for the worst case scenarios. I've always been convinced that it's better to expect the worst outcome, so that way I won't be disappointed. It's like a defense mechanism; if I don't get my hopes up, I'm less likely to get hurt.

But, I've learned that I can get hurt regardless of whether or not I have hoped for a positive outcome. Bad things are going to happen in life, but if we constantly expect bad to happen, aren't we attracting more negativity? This relates to the laws of attraction, which I'm not a huge fan of, but maybe some of it is true. When I feel hopeful, I'm happier. And don't we all deserve to be happy?

So, is hope really such a bad thing? I think a lot of us in this community have a love/hate relationship with hope. Because when you have too much, it's scary. You have so much more to lose. But without hope, how can we possibly survive the awful things that life throws our way?

This is why I'm aspiring to become a Hopeful Pessimist. You might be wondering, "is that even a thing?"

Yes, my friend. It is. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe I am...It's NOT easy and will take a lot of effort, but it's possible. And I truly think it will be worth the effort. Here's how to do it:

1) Let go of expectation/comparison

I wrote a post about this recently, and it's still something I struggle with. Expectations and comparisons can be very stressful. It's extremely difficult to deal with comparison when your dreams aren't coming true. Or to handle a disappointment when your expectations don't match reality. But when you hold on to hope, those comparisons or expectations won't hurt so much because you're focused on the possibility that you can still reach your happy ending.

2) Practice gratitude daily

EVERY SINGLE DAY. Add it to your calendar, add a reminder on your phone, whatever you need to do to turn this practice into a habit. Take at least 5-10 minutes a day to think of all the things you are grateful for. Better yet, make a list! This practice helps us to focus on the positive aspects of our life and avoid the perception that the sky is falling.

3) Make a conscious decision to HOPE

When you start to feel depressed or discouraged, try your best to change your thinking. This takes a lot of effort sometimes, but force yourself to think of a positive outcome. Visualize your dreams coming true, and imagine how it will feel. Then, repeat the next time those negative thoughts enter your mind.

4) Pray, write, or meditate your heart's desires

Choose one of the above and turn this into a daily habit as well. For me, prayer is the easiest and the most calming option for me. I'm not particularly religious, but praying to God or to a higher power can be extremely helpful. This also allows you to put some positive energy out into the universe. But if you'd prefer to write it down, that's great too! Journaling, blogging, or even drawing can be immensely helpful.

6) Make small goals, and celebrate each one 

Sometimes life gets really hard and there are a million things standing between you and your dreams. This is when you need to take baby steps. Every time you reach a goal, even something as simple as making an appointment, give yourself some kudos. You deserve it! And each small accomplishment will help you to feel the strength to achieve the next.

7) Remember that you are loved and deserve happiness

This is the most important. I personally have a really hard time with this one, and have felt punished or undeserving of joy. But it's not the truth! This is the depression talking and each one of us deserves to be happy. There is nothing that you have done or could ever do that would change that. You are loved and important and deserve to feel peace and happiness.

Like I said, this takes a lot of effort and it will be something I have to focus on daily. But living as a pessimist just isn't working for me anymore. It has lead to depression and fear of bad things happening to me or my loved ones. And I don't want to be the constant worrier or the Debbie Downer anymore.  I feel that a little bit of hope will lead to a happier, healthier life, and for the first time in a while I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me.

Would you categorize yourself as an optimist, realist, or a pessimist?  Let me know in the comments below!

Stuck in the Middle

You know that saying, "Comparison is the thief of joy"? It's been on my mind a lot lately. Probably because I've had 3 pregnancy announcements in as many days. And while I feel happy for my friends, I feel sad for myself.

"Why can't that be me?"

"Will it ever be my turn?"

It is SO easy to feel stuck here, in the Middle of my story.

And even though I know that I shouldn't compare my life to others, I do. Constantly. But don't we all? We see someone who is more successful, better looking, funnier, smarter, has the perfect life.

But we're comparing our worst to someone else's best. Just because I don't have what they have right now, doesn't mean that I never will.

It's the doubt that feeds these ugly feelings. Doubt that things can change, or that the future may be better than I could even imagine.

And this is where hope comes in. Yes, hope. That tricky little thing that you have a love/hate relationship with. Too much, and you end up disappointed. Too little, and you end up depressed. Why is it so hard to have just enough?

Because when we are stuck in the middle, we often live in fear and doubt. And while this is a bad place to be, it's comfortable because there's no risk involved. We could stay here forever and never have to risk a thing.

Sometimes hope forces you to take chances, to put yourself out there. To go out on a limb. And it takes courage too. Because there's a chance you might fall. That's the risk you have to take.

So the next time you find yourself comparing your situation to someone else's, just remember. You can't know what the future holds, or what your journey is preparing you for. So don't compare your middle to someone else's happy ending. Your story isn't over yet.

Recovery



Image courtesy of danieladamss on Flickr

The past 2 weeks I’ve been struggling to figure out what happens next. How I’m supposed to move forward or move on from this. I’m not the same person. Not necessarily in a bad way; I’m just different. So many women have gone through this, and they’ve all survived somehow. So I can only hope that I will too. But survival isn’t enough. I need to embrace what happened as an experience, one that I need to use as a catalyst for growth.

I can’t allow myself to dwell in the sadness. It’s just so overwhelming at times and although I need to honor that pain, I don’t want it to define me. The only option I have is to move forward with greater purpose and strength than I had before. That’s the only way any of this can make sense.

On the outside, this may seem like a small change. But for me, this is huge. I have to make a conscious effort not to give up and let the hopelessness defeat me. Because if I let too much darkness inside, it would swallow me up. And I can’t allow that to happen. I have to keep moving, growing, and living. Even though it can be extremely difficult to do so.

A large part of the decision to keep moving forward is to focus on my health. I have never felt so weak as I felt during the miscarriage. My body experienced a huge trauma, and this triggered me to focus on my physical strength. At least that’s something I can control. Inner strength is something I’m still working on and will improve with time.

As far as making a decision to try again with our 2 remaining embryos, I can’t say that I have any news on that. It’s not something I want to think about right now. I know I’m not ready to try again. For all intents and purposes we are on a break for the foreseeable future. I know a lot of people want to try as soon as possible following a miscarriage. It’s part of their path towards healing. But I don’t feel like it would be a healing process for me. Not after 4 years of disappointments. I just can’t allow myself to feel that kind of hope right now.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me during this difficult time. I can’t even put into words how much it means to me to have your support. This community is amazing and it truly is a sisterhood, a tribe, and a sacred place. I can’t imagine what I would do without you.

Days like this...

Since I work in HR, I'm usually one of the first to know when an employee or his spouse are pregnant because they come to me for FMLA paperwork or benefits questions. I try to help them as much as I can without becoming too envious, but it's so hard sometimes. Like today, I was talking to a guy about open enrollment which is coming up soon, and he told me all about how his wife is due in September. She got pregnant on their honeymoon and now she is quitting her job so she can be a stay at home mom. They found out a few weeks ago that it's a boy.

As I was listening to him and how excited he was for this adventure he's experiencing with his new wife, I became so jealous and sad. I can't even imagine what it would be like to get pregnant on the first try. Or the second...or the third... I'm up to about 27 tries now and still no baby. Each time Aunt Flo shows up is another heartbreak; sometimes there are tears and other times there is just a feeling of emptiness. Then each cycle as I approach ovulation all of a sudden I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, only to be shut out again a few weeks later.

I'm honestly happy for my coworker because he is so nice and I know he deserves this. But it still makes me so sad, because I can't help but think that I might not experience that thrill of a new life. I'm sure they are getting their nursery together, reading all of the first time parent's books they can get their hands on. Picking out names, starting a registry, all of those fun things that parents get to experience. And here I am, a few months since my surgery, anxiously awaiting a Urology appointment for Daniel. And in my free time, contemplating IUI, IVF, or adoption.

And those who would ask, "Why don't you just adopt?" Well...that's a difficult question to answer. Would you so quickly have given up on having your own children? Creating a life with the man you love? Or experiencing pregnancy at least once? Of course, if I was told that Daniel and I could never have children, I would move more quickly towards adoption. But there is still a small chance, a glimmer of hope, and I'm holding on to that with everything I have.

It just seems so twisted. After so many years of being responsible and focused, trying so hard not to get pregnant until the time was right, it turns out I have to struggle for years to start a family. I wonder if it's karma because I did something wrong, or if I would be a bad parent so God isn't allowing me to get pregnant. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, and most of the time I try to be hopeful. But on days like this when I see someone else so happy, and something I want so badly to come so easily for him, I just feel sad.

I pray that I don't feel this way forever. I hope someday I can be truly happy when I find out a friend is pregnant, instead of feeling sick with envy. I wish I could see a pregnant woman without being reminded of my own complicated journey TTC. I hope someday I can walk through the baby section at Target without feeling a pit in my stomach and tears welling up in my eyes. I wish I could feel hopeful without feeling naive.

I'm sorry for the depressing post. But this journey isn't all sunshine and rainbows. There are a lot of dark places that are so easy and comfortable to fall into. It's days like this that define the struggle of infertility. A conversation "normal" people have about starting a family can just about push an infertile person over the edge into frustration and hopelessness.

Along this journey there will be some really hard days, days when it feels like a baby just isn't in the cards for us. I'm not sure how much more time, money, or tears it will take. But I know that day will come when I wake up and discover I'm finally pregnant, and that hope is what keeps me going. It WILL happen, it's just a matter of time.

Acorns and Oak Trees

So I have a horoscope app on my iPhone and I check it now and then because it usually gives good, general advice. About a week ago I read my horoscope and it really resonated with me and how I've been feeling lately, and how I'm sure a lot of women feel who are struggling to achieve a goal. Whether it's getting pregnant, saving money, or losing weight, we are all trying to reach something that seems beyond our grasp.

"You cannot expect to see how something will turn out just by looking at it now. The situation that is on your mind has a long way to go, and much will happen before it reaches fruition. If you are experiencing worry and anxiety based on how things appear to be now, that's kind of like looking at an acorn and envisioning it remaining in its tiny form forever. What you are hoping for can still manifest in your life, so stop sending out negative thoughts that rely on fear. Your acorn will become the oak tree you're hoping for."

I saved this because each time I read it, it makes me feel so much better about my situation. Just because my odds of getting pregnant right now are pretty slim, that doesn't mean I will never have a baby. I think it's natural to feel impatient, or to feel like our current circumstances will never change. But that's not true, because even though we don't feel like things are changing, each day we are getting closer to our goals just by believing in them.

I hope this gives at least one person the same hopeful outlook that I get from reading it. May we all have our very own oak tree some day!