When Life Isn't What You Expected, It Can Still Be Beautiful

Guest Post by Christine Knapp


I'm super excited to have Christine Knapp, blogger at Our Beautiful Hope, contribute a guest post for the blog. Enjoy!

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My husband and I tried for over two years to conceive naturally. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do - to stare at one line on the pregnancy test month after month, and to feel the hurt and disappointment at the arrival of yet, another, cycle.

And this was not even the hardest part. I lost myself. I lost who I was, and what made me happy. My life revolved around what was wrong, why this wasn’t working, and what I could do to fix it. Being Type A and someone who likes to be in control, infertility is something that truly humbles you. It makes you realize that there are some things in life that are really outside of your control. It doesn’t matter if you eat better or exercise more frequently or take the very best vitamins (which, of course, I did all of these things and more).  It rips at your self-confidence, leaving you asking “What did I do wrong?” It challenges your religious beliefs and your marriage. Most of all, you learn that the process you go through is actually grief.

I had to have a counselor first explain this to me.  I remember asking "How can you grieve for a child you never had?" But, over time, I began to understand that it was grief that left me torn apart inside, yearning for the days of carrying around a little baby bump and watching my child grow. Gone were the days of reading bedtime stories and tucking in my child and kissing them goodnight. I had never pictured myself without children. And I always knew my husband would be the best father in the world just by the way I saw him interact with our own nieces and nephews.

I'm sure many of you have felt this way at some point on your infertility path. But the grief washed over me, sometimes in big waves (as the counselor explained) as I passed the beaming pregnant woman, or sometimes in smaller waves, when I heard about the news of another friend who was pregnant. Sometimes the wave hit so hard I felt like I was drowning, unable to breathe.

I remember the day about six months months into us wanting a baby where I felt completely defeated. I was trying to put away laundry in our room and thought “Will I ever do this for my baby? For my child?” The results from the latest pregnancy test had proved that we were, yet again, not pregnant. And that day was the first day I recognized the grief. I cried. I cried until I remember my husband coming in and finding me in a heaping ball on the floor.

At first, it was hard for him to relate. He felt confident it was going to happen if we were just patient. So my positive husband kept pushing me forward. I tried to remain optimistic, even though deep down I started to realize that something was probably wrong.  After a year of trying to conceive naturally, I went to my first doctor’s appointment to discuss the issue.

I don’t remember the context in which the word was used, but I remember I heard the word “infertile” and instantly denied it. I wasn’t infertile. I was going to have a baby! What was this nonsense?

But there it was, this crazy, messed up, awful label next to my name on my chart.  It had only been a year! Surely, there were other options. I was furious at the nurse for being so insensitive, but that word quickly became common in my vocabulary along with sperm, surgery, embryos and in-vitro fertilization.

I've come a long way since that doctor's office. We did try in-vitro, and we were successful. But grief lingered for a while. Grief that we couldn't make a baby the "natural" way. Grief when I saw women with multiple children, wondering if our frozen embryos will even make it out of cryo-preservation one day or if we'll have enough courage to try again. Grief that we still have decisions to make about the future of our embies and grief that these decisions aren't decisions I ever wanted to face in this life.

If you're anything like me, perhaps grief has enveloped you. Maybe you're a little lost, wondering if you can remember life before infertility. What it was like to enjoy time with your husband and not be so focused on the end result. What it was like to have money in the bank. What it was like before everyone but you started having baby showers..

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We can't let the grief take over. We can't let it win.

We can't take past experiences and bring them into today, because they're in the past. They aren't the present. I realized that many times, plans don't turn out the way we "expect" them to turn out.  And as miserable and heartbreaking as that can be, there can be beautiful things about this process, too.

Your grief journey may take you somewhere unexpected, somewhere you never thought possible. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it's terrifying. Yes, you have to push back and be assertive and advocate for yourself and your family building goals. And you'll be out of your comfort zone most of the time.

But, I bet you've learned some pretty amazing things during your grief journey.

I bet you're more confident than you were before.

I bet you're smarter, and you appreciate more.

I bet you're more empathetic to friends and give back to others.

I bet you've met some other pretty awesome women on this journey with you.

I bet at one point, you felt alone, but now you have a whole community of support.

I bet people have gone out of their way to make your day brighter, and they've rallied around you during cycles and appointments, successes and failures.

I bet you've realized your true, honest friendships in your life.

I bet your faith is stronger.

I bet you've opened up your guarded heart to those that love you, and you've surprised yourself at your openness to educate and share your story.

I bet that even though you're scared for the future, you know you've got this, because look at all you've done.

And I bet you have enough courage to continue to power through the grief, the sadness, and the roller coaster of ups and downs, because there may be something really beautiful on the other side of the ride.

Maybe not what you expected, but still, something quite beautiful.

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About the Author:
Infertility advocate, mama of a perinatal stroke survivor, and passionate joy seeker! Our son, Alex, was our first BFP after IVF and years of struggling to conceive. While our life is anything but easy, he reminds me to push forward, work hard, go after your dreams, and never take no for an answer. He is the inspiration for this blog and our beautiful hope. You can read more about our story here.

“Extra!” Review and Giveaway!!!

Our stories are unique. We've experienced a different path to parenthood than most. Whether it’s through IVF, IUI, Clomid, or adoption, our journeys are strife with obstacles and long waits. And I think, no, I know, that it changes who we become as parents. These precious gifts, bundles of joy and answered prayers, are special. And as their parents, we want our children to understand just how special they are. That their unique beginning was marked with years of challenges, waiting, prayers, and wishes on stars. They are here because we never gave up and we took every chance we could. They’re special because it took a little extra to get them here. 

A fellow blogger and infertility priestess (yes it's a thing!), Kaeleigh MacDonald, just wrote a book about this topic. It’s a children’s book titled “Extra” and it’s one of my new favorites! One thing I really love about her book is that it explains this all to a child in a way that’s easy for them to understand, without causing any confusion. And it’s also a great catalyst for discussions or for your child to ask questions about their beginning.

As an adoptive mom, I try to find children’s books that touch on adoption or families that don’t fit the usual mold. And Kaeleigh's book does a beautiful job of celebrating all types of families, including adoptive families. And this is why I love it so much. I think it's so important for my daughter to understand that her story is special and unique, and that makes her so very special too. Maybe even, EXTRA special. :)

Kaeleigh was kind enough to send me a copy of her book for a giveaway!!! So before you go to Amazon to make a purchase, put your name into the hat for a free copy.  ;)

Kaeleigh's blog tour started on January 22nd, and she kicked it off on her blog, Unpregnant Chicken. There will be new posts each day, so make sure to follow along here!

Now on to the giveaway!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Listen Up!: For Waiting Mothers

Image Courtesy of Elton Harding on Flickr

Motherhood is complicated.

It's messy, stressful, and difficult. And it can also be very lonely.  Especially for those mothers who are still waiting for their children.

Do you remember the Friend's episode, when Chandler is talking about Monica and their struggle to start a family?  He says "She's a mother, without a baby."

So many mothers, and fathers, are in this position. They know in their heart that they are already a mother or father. They have made space. They have carved out a section of their heart and soul for a baby that hasn't yet come.

And waiting to fill that space is one of the most painful things anyone can endure.

I adopted my daughter last year after 5 years of infertility. I wondered, would I be surprised? Would the love I felt be something brand new?

For me, it wasn't. It was profound and deep and wonderful and so beautiful, but I was not surprised by it. And I think I know why.

I had loved her all along.  I had been waiting for her.  My heart had a space just for her, waiting to be filled.  And once she came, and my heart filled up, it wasn't new. The love was there all along. It just finally had somewhere to go.

And this is what made infertility so painful for me. I had so much love to give. I had opened up so much of my heart for this child, and the waiting and wondering if she would ever come was the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

I hate that so many of my friends, and those in the infertility community, are still in limbo. Wondering if their love will have somewhere to go. If they will ever be fulfilled. If their heart will ever feel whole again.

What kills me is knowing that for some, it won't. Infertility treatment is so expensive and draining in every sense. Adoption is even more expensive. For many families, their desire to have a child is completely dependent on the size of their bank account, and this is heartbreaking.

Families are important. These mothers and fathers without a child are important. Their story matters. Their pain matters. And unfortunately it's a fact that infertility is often seen as an "optional" state.

But it's not optional for us to want a child. It's inherent. It's in our culture and DNA. It's a huge part of who we are and who we hope to become. And neglecting that part of ourselves will only cause pain, depression, and isolation.

So, it's time to Listen Up. Affordable infertility treatment, adoption tax incentives, and access to healthcare are all critical for our families. And we have the power to change this. Call your local Senator. Talk to your employer. Ask them to listen, because what you have to say is important and meaningful and will have an impact not just for yourself, but for the thousands of waiting parents with an incomplete heart.

For more information, please visit http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/

You Are Not Alone

You are NOT alone. Although infertility does a good job of contributing to a feeling of isolation and loneliness. But it's far from reality. One in 8 couples (or 12 percent of married women) have trouble getting pregnant. And so many of these women (and men) suffer in silence. The problem is, their silence is often contributing to their feeling of loneliness. There is a huge community out there, both in "real life" and online that is centered around infertility and pregnancy loss. You are definitely not alone. But how do you find these communities?

In Person

Even though most of us regularly visit fertility clinics for testing or treatments, we fail to make any connections there. We sit in the waiting room with other women who are there for the same reason, but it's so rare for anyone to speak to each other or even to make eye contact. Infertility has such a stigma that it prevents us from reaching out in person. You may want to respect others privacy, but in doing so you may feel even more isolated and alone. This is why finding a local support group is a great way to meet others who want to talk openly about their journey.

Check out the Resolve website for a listing of support groups in your area. If there aren't any, you can create one! Also, there may be other community support groups that focus on infertility. But the best way to find them is to go online and search.

Online

The internet is a big place. There are support groups all over the place online, you just have to know where to find them. A good place to start is Facebook. You're on there multiple times a day anyway, why not use it for support? Then there's Twitter, Instagram, and boards on Babycenter, The Bump, and many other blogs and websites that allow infertile women and men to come together for support and information. Check them all out to see which one may be the best fit for you.

Find Your Tribe

Because there are so many places to find support, it can be difficult to find a place where you really feel that you belong. I call this your "tribe." Once you find your tribe, you will be overwhelmed by the support and friendships that you make there. It is the single most important thing you can do for yourself and for your sanity while struggling with infertility. Finding a support group where you feel safe and welcomed is an incredible way to cope with the stresses and challenges that only those facing infertility can understand. Your tribe may change or grow with time, but you will find that some of the connections you've made turn into lifelong friendships.

Speak Up

The single best way to find support is to share your story. You may feel that you're the only one in your family or in your group of friends who is struggling with this. But odds are that you're not. It's just that no one talks about it. But once you start sharing your journey and speaking up, you'll be surprised when others start reaching out to you privately to share their struggles or to ask questions. You're not just making connections, little by little you are helping to remove the stigma surrounding infertility. There is no shame in something you can't control. Infertility is a disease, and it's isolating because it's so misunderstood.

The BEST way to get support, is to give support. You have to reach out to others, share your story, and interact with the community in order to get support back. It's no different than real life. Like most friendships, it's not a one-way street. You have to open both lines of communication. And once you do, you'll be amazed by the support you'll receive from this community. We have to stick together if we are to combat the shame and stigma that surround infertility. We have to support one another and lift each other up, to raise our voices and unite. Because no one with infertility should walk alone.

This post was submitted to the Bloggers Unite Challenge. For more information, click here.

Additional Resources:

http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

IVF Consult!

We had our IVF consult today and I really couldn't be happier with how it went! The funny thing is that the fertility clinic we went to is literally located in the suite above the clinic where we did our IUI last year! I recognized the address but I didn't realize they would be so close to each other. It's only about 20 minutes from where I work so the commute won't be bad once we start cycling.

Besides the location, the doctor was great! He came out and got us from the waiting room instead of having his MA do it. He was very personable, explained things thoroughly, and answered all of my questions. He spent a total of 90 minutes with us. And even Daniel commented on how much easier he understood things with this doctor than with our previous RE's.

Dr. L, as I'll call him, agreed with us that IVF with ICSI will give us the best chances. Since we've already had a lot of the diagnostic testing done, he has a good idea what to expect but would like us to update some of it. So, he said if we're ready we can start the process as early as my next period! Which I'm expecting next week! We would need to call on cycle day 1 to schedule blood-work, an SHG, and a semen analysis. Then if things go smoothly we should be looking at a transfer mid-December!!!

As Dr. L was going over the process, he said "I hope your next period is the last one you have for a year and a half." It might sound crazy, but that almost made me cry! Can you imagine? After all this time, if this were to work on the first try, oh my gosh....I shouldn't be getting ahead of myself but I'm feeling very excited and hopeful!

New Blog Name!

You may have noticed that I've changed the name of my blog! It's something that I've been thinking about doing for a while. "My Journey to Motherhood" was so generic and similar to so many other blog titles for infertility. Plus I felt it was a little uncreative, and maybe a bit overconfident. Maybe my blog title has been jinxing me, who knows.

So I came up with a new title. I was thinking really hard about what the new title could be. I wanted it to be something that represents me, and that allows for some wiggle room to grow my blog as my journey through life changes. This is a sacred space for me and I hope to continue writing here even after our infertility journey is over, no matter how it ends.

So as I was brainstorming, I kept thinking about symbols or phrases that mean something to me. And I kept coming back to hummingbirds. Hummingbirds have had a significant spiritual symbolism for me. For example, when Daniel and I were saying our wedding vows, a hummingbird visited the arch above us and paused just long enough for our photographer to take a photo of him. He was drinking from the flowers and hovered just for a few moments. I like to think it was a good omen.

Then a few months ago, I was sitting outside at work on my lunch break. I was really stressing about our infertility journey and I was feeling really depressed and worried that I might never be a mom. When a hummingbird flew by and it paused in the air just 5 feet in front of me. It was staring at me, and remained there a few seconds before flying away. I was sitting on a concrete staircase on the 4th floor of a building, not wearing any bright colors or anything that might attract a hummingbird. And once it paused in front of me, I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. As if it was bringing me a message that I shouldn't worry, and that the events in my life are happening for a reason, to prepare me for something better.

So when I thought of that moment, when the hummingbird paused in front of me and how peaceful I felt, I thought it would be a great name for my blog.

So I hope this change hasn't created an inconvenience for anyone! I'm sure there will be an adjustment for me as I try to re-establish my new brand in the infertility community. But in the long run I think I'll be much happier with a name that is meaningful for me and that allows my blog a brighter future.

So what do you think of my new blog name?

#GiveVoice: Part 3 - My Story

Please check out Part 1 and 2 of this series for #GiveVoice, a part of #GivingTuesdayRESOLVE.

My story begins like many infertility stories do, trying really hard NOT to get pregnant. I was on birth control for several years, even after getting married, because we didn't want any surprises. We wanted to intentionally get pregnant and have everything planned out. Unfortunately for us, things didn't work out that way.

We started trying to conceive (TTC) in April of 2011. We had gone to a nephew's birthday party one weekend, and I was watching all the little ones run around playing. And that was my trigger. Some people know their whole life that they want to be a mom. For me, it was always down the road, something that would happen when I was ready, it was always "someday". But at that birthday party, something inside of me changed and I decided that I wanted to experience motherhood, and "someday" turned into "now". So I got off birth control and we decided to start "casually" TTC. By casual I mean, no ovulation tracking or anything like that. Basically not trying/not preventing (NTNP).

Well, after about 6 months of waiting for something to happen, I started to get the feeling that something was wrong. I suspected a luteal phase defect and probably spent 100's of hours researching that along with everything else that could possibly be wrong. We tried all kinds of different supplements, progesterone creams, and lots of prayers, but nothing was working.

Finally in September 2012 we decided it was time to see a fertility specialist. We had already been TTC for about 18 months at that point. They completed the routine testing, and I was shocked to learn that both Daniel and I had problems that could prevent us from having children. I was diagnosed with a uterine septum, and Daniel was diagnosed with low motility and low morphology. I was ovulating regularly, but with such poor sperm quality there wasn't a good chance of us conceiving on our own. Even if we did, my septum would most likely cause a miscarriage.

We tried Clomid for a few cycles before I had my first hysteroscopy to remove the uterine septum, and Daniel started seeing a Urologist. In April 2013 I found out that the surgery wasn't 100% successful and that I would need a 2nd surgery to remove the rest of the septum. That's actually very common but it was still so frustrating to have to go through all that again. So we decided to wait a few months before having a 2nd surgery.

We got a 2nd opinion from another RE and we decided to try an IUI. It failed. So we moved on and I scheduled my 2nd hysteroscopy in November 2013. By this time Daniel had been diagnosed with a varicocele, so he had surgery around the same time.

Early in 2014, I got the "all clear" to start TTC again, but we found out that Daniel's varicocelectomy did nothing to improve his sperm quality. We were told that IVF would be our best bet.

So here we are! On the precipice of IVF, waiting for our consultation, and trying to do some last minute fundraising to reach our goal. It's hard to believe that it's been 3 1/2 years since this journey started. 43 months. I never thought it would take this long.

Once we realized that we would need to fundraise to afford IVF we decided to "come out of the infertility closet". We made an announcement during National Infertility Awareness Week and received nothing but positive feedback and support. It was very encouraging and so far I have no regrets about sharing our story. In fact, being open about this journey has empowered me to be an advocate, not just for my own health, but for all the women and men who suffer from infertility. I hope by sharing my story it will inspire at least one other person to do so.

Even a small voice can make a huge impact.

Photo courtesy of Howard Lake via Flickr

#GiveVoice: Part 2 - Top 5 Reasons You SHOULD Share Your Infertility Journey

In Part 1 of this series, I discussed the top 5 reasons why most infertile couples decide to keep their journey a secret. Early on in my journey, I used several of those reasons to convince myself it was best not to share our infertility story with others.

But I came to the point in my journey where I decided that keeping everything a secret wasn't helping me. In fact, it was causing me to feel isolated and shameful about everything that had happened. I decided to share my story, first on this blog, and it grew from there and eventually I shared our story on Facebook to all of my family and friends. I felt that I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore.

Surprisingly, this has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. Here are the top 5 reasons why sharing your story, your whole story, with others could change your life for the better.

Reason #1
Empowerment

I feel so empowered when I tell my story. It was scary at first. I wasn't sure what kind of response I would receive or if I would be judged by my family or friends. Especially when we made the announcement that we'll be moving forward with IVF. But I finally came to the conclusion that most of the people who would be judging me have never been in my shoes. They have never had to make these difficult decisions about their family building journey. I felt empowered that I have had to make these difficult decisions. I have been through a LOT and I'm stronger than I was 3 years ago. I have been forever changed by this journey, and I wouldn't want to go back to who I was before.

Reason #2
Pride

Being an "infertile" means that you have probably been through fertility testing, you may have suffered losses. You may have seen specialists and have had countless appointments, blood draws, and procedures. You may have discovered things that caused you intense fear and anxiety in the past have now become the norm. For example, I used to be terrified of having my blood drawn. I would shake and cry anytime I had to have that done. Now, I just sit there calmly and it gets easier every time. I'm proud of what I've been through and how far I've come. I'm proud to be part of a community of strong women who know what they want and will give almost anything to achieve it. I'm proud to say that I'm a better person because of infertility.

Reason #3
Support

The support I have received since sharing my journey has been overwhelming. Friends and family have rallied around me and have given me hope when the fear sneaks in. They've supported my fundraising efforts and have shared my story with others. They have inspired me to keep sharing my journey and not to be ashamed of who I am. And it's not just about the support I've received, it's about the support I've been able to give to others who are struggling with infertility as well. I'm no longer afraid to share their stories, promote their blogs, or contribute to their fundraising efforts. I'm proud to support them and give them the same support that I've received along this journey.

Reason #4
Education

By sharing your story, you are educating others about the disease of infertility. You are giving a face to this disease. It is SO IMPORTANT to give voice to your struggle in order to raise awareness and help to remove some of the stigma that surrounds infertility. Even if you only share your story anonymously through a blog, it is still educating others who may stumble upon your story and what you've been through. You are also educating other women who may be at the beginning of their infertility journey. Maybe they share your diagnosis and learn through your experiences. Raising your voice and sharing your infertility story is essential to educate others about this disease and how impactful it is on our communities. If you would like to learn more about raising awareness for infertility, please visit www.resolve.org.

Reason #5
Community

Speaking of community, you will find that you are part of a large, very active, and absolutely amazing group of women who are struggling with infertility from a wide array of backgrounds and diagnoses. I posted recently on How to Find an Infertility Support Group. There are countless groups online through every social media site, as well as local support groups you can find through the Resolve.org website here. Finding an infertility support group has been the MOST positive aspect of my journey and the ladies I have connected with have helped me immensely. They have supported me when I'm feeling down, they have understood me in a way that only other infertile women can, and they have provided a feeling of belonging in place of isolation.

If you are not comfortable sharing your journey with others yet, that's okay. But I would encourage you to share your story with others. To raise your voice and become part of a movement that will make a difference in the lives of our daughters, nieces, and other women across the world who suffer from infertility. It's no doubt a risk, but I think you will find that the positives strongly outweigh the negatives.

What has your experience been like when sharing your story?

Check out Part 3 of this series where I tell my infertility story, here.

#GiveVoice: Part 1 - Top 5 Reasons Infertiles Keep Their Journey a Secret

Resolve.org has started a 3 month campaign to help promote their #GivingTuesday project. October's theme is to #GiveVoice. To find more information on this project, please click here.

With the topic of #GiveVoice, I decided to write about the reasons infertile couples decide to keep their journey a secret. I came across a post on Instragram a few days ago that helped me come up with the reasons for this list. Someone had posted how so many of us "infertiles" who are struggling to conceive or build our family keep everything a secret, only sharing our journey with a couple trusted individuals. Usually our only confidantes are our husband or partner (obviously), mom, or best friend.

While I understand this, especially since I was the same way in the beginning, I think it makes things even more difficult for those who are struggling with infertility. I will discuss the positive things about sharing your story in Part 2 of this series. But for now, let's talk about the top 5 reasons why infertile couples decide to keep their journey a secret.

Reason #1
Shame

There is a stigma that surrounds infertility. It exists in part because many people don't understand it. I didn't truly understand infertility until it affected me personally, so I can understand the misconceptions that many people have about this disease. And it can be shameful when your body is incapable of achieving the one thing it was meant to do, reproduce. Especially as a woman, there is a lot of shame involved with the failure to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. Personally, I have felt this. I have felt like I was "defected" because I was born with an abnormal uterus. I felt a lot of shame because of that. There was something "wrong" with me. And I'm sure most women, or men, who have a diagnosable condition that causes infertility will feel that shame about their condition. So they keep it a secret.

Reason #2
Privacy

Infertility is a very personal, private journey that involves one of the most intimate acts, sex. But not only that, it also involves a very personal decision made between two people when they decide to have a child. But when you're dealing with infertility, there are so many twists and turns on your journey that complicate that decision. Now you are having to decide if you will pursue treatment. If so, what kind of treatment? How many tries? Will you do IUI or IVF? Can you afford IVF? Will you do ICSI, PGD, PGS? How about surrogacy? Adoption? These are all questions that you must ask yourself as you seek treatment and decide what treatment options are right for you. It's an extremely personal decision. If you open up with others about your journey, you will most likely have to answer these same questions while also explaining why you made those choices. For many infertile couples, they don't want to share all of this with others. It's just too much private information that they would rather keep to themselves.

Reason #3
Fear

What if treatment fails? What if I can never have a child? These questions are based on fear, and it's hard for us to ask ourselves these questions. It's so easy to get stuck in a feeling of hopelessness. And if our fears come true, do we really want to share our failures with everyone? It's very intimidating. Especially for those who are afraid of having a miscarriage, which I think is most of us, are we ready to share that if it were to happen? For some, the grief of losing a pregnancy is too difficult to deal with and they decide they don't want to risk having to share that experience with others.

Reason #4
Judgment

Infertility is a hot topic. Everyone has an opinion, and usually it's not a well-researched opinion. So they will judge you no matter what you do. They will give advice without really understanding the issues. And once you start treatment, those judgments may only get worse. Especially with IVF, which is such a frequently debated topic. "Aren't you playing God?" "Maybe you were never meant to be parents." "IVF is immoral." "Infertile people just need to adopt." etc...As much as I hate typing those phrases, I have come across similar comments on other blogs or news articles about IVF. The people making these comments are ignorant. They may not be bad people, but they are definitely ignorant when it comes to infertility. And many infertile couples decide they don't want to deal with that kind of judgment while they're going through one of the most stressful experiences of their lives.

Reason #5
Protection

Sometimes an infertile couple aren't always on the same page about what to share and what not to share when it comes to their infertility journey. Maybe one would like to be open and share everything, while the other would prefer to keep things private and just isn't comfortable with anyone knowing what's going on. So they keep it a secret, to protect the partner who decides it's just too private to share with anyone.

For some, it's difficult to overcome any of these reasons and they decide never to share their journey. Or maybe, they share it in anonymously on a blog or Twitter account. In my opinion, sharing anonymously is better than not sharing anything at all. I will talk about this and the reason I decided to share everything in Part 2 of this series.

What are some of the reasons you've decided to keep your journey a secret?

6 Items Every Infertile Should Own (or at least try!)

When you first realize that you're having difficulty getting pregnant, you probably feel overwhelmed and a little bit lost. I remember feeling like there was a wealth of information out there that I had to dig through to find an answer to our problem. But through that digging and connecting with other women in similar situations, I found there were several key items that any infertile or serious TTC'er needs. So here's my list of the helpful products you'll need to take you to the next level of TTC.

1. Taking Charge of Your Fertility
This book is probably the single most important investment you will make on your journey trying to conceive. You will learn more about fertility in this book than you ever did in high school Sex Ed, I guarantee it. This book is particularly useful if you are going to start BBT (basal body temperature) charting.

2. BBT Thermometer
The first thing you'll need if you are going to start charting, is a BBT thermometer. These are typically more accurate than normal thermometers because they will give you your temps to the .01 degree, so it's easier to see subtle temperature shifts. Taking your temps at the same time every day will allow you to pinpoint when ovulation occurs. But this tool will only confirm that ovulation has occurred 3 days after the fact. In order to get a heads up that ovulation is approaching, you'll also need to use OPK's.

3. Wondfo OPK's or Clearblue Fertility Monitor
OPK's are Ovulation Prediction Kits. Chances are if you're having a hard time TTC, you will go through OPK's like crazy! The Wondfo OPK's are the brand I use and they are super cheap. You have to pee in a cup and then dip the strips for a few seconds, so they are not as easy to use as the "regular" kind you buy at the store, but they are so much more economical and you can buy them in larger quantities. They will turn positive 12-48 hours before ovulation so you can time intercourse better.

The Clearblue Fertility Monitor is a VERY expensive option, but it is reusable and you can keep it for years and even use it for natural family planning. I've personally never used it but I have several friends who have and they love it.

4. Pre-seed or Conceive Plus
If you ever use lube, this is the kind you will need to purchase when trying to get pregnant. These 2 brands are "sperm friendly" and can actually provide a safer, nourishing environment for the sperm to thrive on their journey to the egg. Personally I use Pre-seed but Conceive Plus is basically the same thing, so it's just a matter of preference.

5. Softcup
For those of you who put your legs in the air for 15-30 minutes after "baby dancing" (which I'm sure is most of you!) then this product might be a good one to try. Basically you slip it in after doing the deed and it holds all of the "swimmers" right up against your cervix. You can leave it in for several hours or even overnight. So you don't have to worry about putting pillows under your hips or doing a headstand. Just use these and you can get right up after sex and go about the rest of your day!

6. The Infertility Workbook or the IVF Journal
Infertility is tough. There is a lot that you have to go through and most people don't understand the stress and grief that you're inevitably feeling. That's why it's so important to have some kind of outlet, whether it be a journal, blog, or an online forum where you feel safe to discuss the stress and trials of TTC. These two items are self-guided but a regular journal or notebook would work great too.
I have not used The IVF Journal yet, just because I haven't done IVF yet. But I do plan on using this as a tool during IVF and have heard a lot of good things about it.

Are there any items I missed here? Feel free to comment below!


(Disclaimer: All of these products are tied to Amazon Affiliate links, and I will earn a small commission if you purchase through these links, at no extra cost to you. I have personally used all of these products unless otherwise stated.)

Strength and Vulnerability

I'm in a weird place right now. It's been over 3 years, and I'm not going to say it gets easier. In fact, as time passes I find myself having to make tougher decisions. Decisions that I thought I would never have to make. But I'm making them. I'm weighing the pros and cons. I'm asking myself "am I okay with this?" and my answers surprise me.

When I first started this journey, the idea of seeing a fertility specialist scared me. I didn't want to admit that I was in the minority of couples that would need a doctor to help us conceive a child. But I got over that. Next I was very anxious about doing an IUI. I had to give up the idea of conception as the magical moment between husband and wife, and instead accept it as something that happens in a doctors office, laying on a table with a nurse all up in my nether regions. But I accepted that too.

And now that we've decided to do IVF, I have surprised myself yet again. A year ago, I thought that IVF was the ultimate resignation from my dream of conceiving a child with my husband. Instead, it will happen in a lab, in a petri dish. That idea still bothers me to some extent. No girl dreams of conceiving their first born in a lab. Most of us dream about it happening on our honeymoon, or on a dream vacation, or even in the comfort of our home while wrapped in the arms of our husbands.

The moral and ethical dilemma of "playing God" still plays out in my head. But I can't help but feel that this is the path we are meant to take. I know in my heart that Daniel and I are meant to be parents, and that may not happen on it's own. We are lucky to live in a society where fertility treatments are available, and to live in a city where we have an abundance of clinics that we can research to find the best fit for our needs.

I'm happy with our decision, and even excited. I think that IVF will probably be one of the hardest things I will ever go through, both emotionally and physically. But it will be SO worth it. To finally have a baby with Daniel, I would give up just about anything.

And it's that strength that has surprised me in the last month. The ability to make that hard decision to move forward with something that will force us to make some sacrifices. We are sacrificing the idea of having a natural conception, as well as our finances. But at this point on my journey, those are sacrifices I am willing to make, just for a chance to have a child.

But at the same moment, I find myself completely vulnerable. What if IVF doesn't work? There are no guarantees and I know several women who have walked away from this journey empty handed and grieving for the loss of a dream. I remember how heartbroken I was after our first IUI failed. I little piece of me died that day. It was terrible. And I think to experience that same heartbreak after a round of IVF will multiply that feeling of devastation ten fold.

It's that vulnerability that defines this struggle, because nothing we do is ever guaranteed to work. We are taking a risk with every treatment. We are gambling our finances, hope, and even our sanity that a healthy baby will be the outcome. And with odds around 50%, we have an equal chance to fail as we do to succeed.

But I'm still going to do it. Because moving forward is the only option for me. I will do whatever it takes. And this is what the journey of infertility is all about. Discovering how badly you want something, and what you are willing to give up to get it.

A Big Decision

I know some of you are anxiously awaiting my husband's recent Semen Analysis (SA) results, but unfortunately I don't have them yet! I've called the clinic 4 times and finally they told Daniel that he has to make an appointment with the Urologist before he can get the results. I don't know if that's a good or a bad sign. But hopefully he can get an appointment soon because I'm very anxious to get his updated stats.

On another note, while we've been in limbo waiting for Daniel's results, I can't help but feel that we'll get more bad news. Or at least, not the news we were hoping for. We were hoping for this surgery to be the "miracle" event that turned everything around and would allow us to conceive naturally. After over 3 years of disappointments and bad news, I'm preparing myself to hear that there's no significant change.

Last week I went to another Fertility Specialist (not my usual RE, he left the practice so I met with someone new). I was there to refill a prescription but the appointment turned into something else. He wanted to know what our plan was if the new SA results were not what we are hoping for. He said that we could continue to do IUI's, but with a very low morphology the chance of conception would be about 7% per cycle. If we continued trying naturally, the chances would be about 3%.... What?! When we did the IUI last year I was told we had about a 25% chance, thus why we did it. I'm not sure if these statistics are accurate but it was concerning to hear a doctor tell me that.

To get to the point, I asked the doctor what our chances would be with IVF. He said 50-60%. He told me that he would absolutely recommend we go this route if Daniel's results haven't significantly improved. He said we would have a very good chance given our situation and my age. We then discussed the process, cost, financing, how many eggs they would expect to get from me, what we would do if it didn't work, etc. And I started to feel more comfortable with the notion, but I knew this is something I would need to talk to Daniel about.

So that night over dinner, Daniel and I discussed IVF. I told him the cost would be about $15,000, but with a 50-60% chance, we have very good odds. Is it worth the cost? Absolutely! We desperately want a family of our own, and it would be SO worth it.

After much deliberation, we made a decision. We are going to start saving as much as we can for IVF. If I'm still not pregnant by Thanksgiving (6 months from now), then we will start the process for IVF at the end of the year, or early 2015 depending on timing of things. We hope to save up at least half of the amount we need, and then we will have to finance the rest.

This plan gives us plenty of time in case we do miraculously conceive on our own, in which case the money we are saving can go towards the pregnancy and birth. But if I'm still not pregnant, I don't want to continue waiting for a miracle. Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions and take action to make that miracle happen.

I'm actually really excited about this plan! I feel that we have a very good chance with IVF, and that this decision brings us one step closer to our soul baby. If you want to learn more about IVF, click here.

Thoughts? Advice? Suggestions for raising money? Feel free to comment!

The 5 Stages of Infertility

When struggling with infertility, grief is an inevitable emotion. You are grieving for the loss of a child you never had, and for the loss of a dream. The dream to have the family you always wanted, to create life with your true love, or to be a mother or father. It's a unique kind of grief, because most of the time no one knows that you're feeling it. The grief comes and goes; with each failed cycle a new feeling of helplessness resurfaces. And those who have had miscarriages are painfully familiar with the grief and despair of losing their unborn baby. It's a sadness that never really goes away.

Most people are familiar with the 5 stages of grief as they relate to death. But I find that they also relate to infertility. Most of us probably experience several stages at once, and don't necessarily go through them in this order. Here are my experiences with each stage.

1. Denial

I experienced this during my first year of TTC. I felt that I had done everything right, Daniel and I were at a good place in our relationship and financially stable. It made sense to start a family. And my cycles had always been regular, so I was pretty confident it would happen in the first 6 months. At the 6 month mark is when I finally started to think that something could be wrong. So I started researching, I tried new vitamins and supplements. I followed the advice of random people on the internet. But still, nothing was happening. I knew that once we hit the 1 year mark that our next step would be to see a fertility specialist. But I didn't want to. I wasn't going to be "one of those" women who was desperate to have a baby. I was hoping that I wouldn't need treatment at all. I was in denial and waited longer than I should have to get help.

2. Anger

The anger kicked in after we got our initial fertility test results back. At this point we had been trying for 18 months. I remember that day vividly. I went in for my HSG and was sitting on the table with my robe on, waiting for the doctor to come in. When he finally did, he had a piece of paper in his hand and he said that he had Daniel's results from the semen analysis. He said there were problems. My heart jumped into my throat. The doctor explained that his motility and morphology were very low, and that he would need additional testing to figure out the cause. I took a deep breath but my heart was racing. I was thinking "oh no, what do I tell Daniel?" But I couldn't think about that; it was time for the HSG so I had to calm down, impossible as it was. So I laid back on the exam table as the doctor prepared everything. He told me to relax and to take deep breaths as he started the procedure. The computer screen was angled in such a way that I could see what was happening. As the liquid entered my uterus, it clearly split in 2 directions (it should look like a triangle, mine looked like 2 hot-dogs laid side by side and connected in the middle). I asked "Is that normal?" and the doctor didn't reply right away. In the middle of the procedure he asked the MA to get one of the other doctors. So the 2nd doctor came in and they were discussing the image on the screen, using words like bicornuate, septum, mullerian anomaly...words I didn't understand. My heart was beating even faster because I knew that something was wrong with me. The doctor finished the procedure and told me to meet him in his office. I was trying to hold back tears. I wasn't expecting this at all. Not something wrong with both of us. I tried to compose myself and went to his office and he explained everything to me and that I would need some additional tests. I was in shock. I could barely make it to my car without tears starting to pour down my face. I called my mom and told her what happened. And when I got off the phone with her. I started yelling at God. "Why are you doing this to me?!" I said over and over through the tears. I was SO angry. I felt like I was being punished and couldn't understand why. To this day I still feel angry sometimes, wondering, "Why me?".

3. Bargaining

As angry as I was with God, I tried bargaining with him. If I start going to church, will you fix me? If I start praying more often, will you give me a baby? As ridiculous as it was, I thought maybe I was doing something wrong, and that if I could fix it, God would allow me to get pregnant. Well, this bargaining phase didn't last very long.

4. Depression

The depression has been an underlying problem pretty much the entire time, but grew more prevalent after the 2nd anniversary and when I found out my 1st surgery wasn't successful. I just kept thinking, "What else could go wrong?" I was just sad all the time. I was seeing my friends get pregnant and give birth while I felt stuck, left behind, and alone. For a long time I wouldn't talk to Daniel about how I was feeling, because I didn't want him to know just how broken I felt. How incomplete. I didn't want him to blame himself. I started to feel like we would never have a baby. That Daniel and I will just have to learn to live life without children. And that scared the hell out of me. Could Daniel still love me if we never had kids? Would he be truly happy if he never got to be a father? These questions are heartbreaking and I still don't know the answers to them. Even when I ask myself if I could ever be truly happy again, I can't find the answer. I feel that if I never get to be a mother, that a part of me will remain sad, bitter, or angry. And I don't want to be that person forever. I want to be the carefree, happy person I was before we started TTC. Sometimes I think that person is gone, forever changed by this experience.

5. Acceptance

I'm definitely not here yet. And to be honest I'm not sure exactly what this stage would be like. Is it accepting that we will have a long, difficult journey to parenthood? Or is it accepting that we may never be parents? I would like to one day accept that this is the path that was laid before me, and I was chosen because I'm strong enough to get through it. But some days I don't know if I am strong enough. I don't know if I can keep going. I want this dark cloud that follows me around to dissipate. I want to feel happy and complete. And I'm scared I might never feel that way again.

This journey will end differently for each of us. It may be an ongoing struggle to build our family. Or we might have an easier time conceiving our 2nd or 3rd child. Regardless of how my life will turn out, I'm trying to accept the idea that I'm being prepared for something. Maybe this journey will help me be a better mother. Or maybe I'm meant to help others in this situation. I don't know the purpose, but I can hope that there is light beyond this darkness, and that someday I'll make it there.

The Cost of Infertility

Resolve to know more about infertility...

www.resolve.org/niaw

Infertility is honestly one of the hardest things I've had to go through in life. Infertility is a trauma. It's a silent and invisible disease that most people don't understand. And it involves one of life's major rites of passage; becoming a parent. For most people, this happens without even thinking about it. They get pregnant with no planning or forethought. It just happens.

For the other 10% of couples, it doesn't "just happen". Many of us deal with hormone imbalances that can't be cured through "relaxing". Some of us have physical issues, like septums, blocked tubes, or endometriosis, that all require invasive surgery to correct. And to top it all off, most insurance plans don't cover ANYTHING related to infertility. So what are our options?

We can chose to live life child-free. This is the most heartbreaking option, because for some it's not a choice. We can pay thousands of dollars for treatment that may or may not work. Or we can just "wait and see" with our fingers crossed that we conceive naturally. For some couples, they will eventually conceive on their own. But for many, the only options are Advanced Reproductive Technologies (ART).

ART includes IUI, IVF, or surrogacy. IUI is the cheapest, but can still take a chunk from your wallet depending on meds. My IUI last year cost us about $1,000. IVF can cost about $15,000 per fresh cycle, plus the cost of meds. And then there's surrogacy. With a surrogate, you would need to do IVF,  plus pay for agency fees, attorney's fees, screening and surrogate fees, and medical and insurance costs, all of which could add up to $80,000 to $120,000. 

What about adoption? Well, that's not an easy decision to make. Personally, I'm not ready to give up having biological children. And financially, we just couldn't afford adoption. It could cost anywhere from $20,000 to $40,000, or more, to adopt a child. In addition to the financial cost, you must also consider the emotional risk. What if the birth mom changes her mind? Or what if you don't meet the standards for adoption because you are not very religious or your home doesn't meet requirements? It can be just as heartbreaking as a failed IVF cycle.

My point is this: when dealing with infertility, you are faced with one of the most difficult decisions in your life. How will I become a parent? The answer is different for everybody. Most couples never have to struggle with this question. But those who do find themselves at a crossroads, with hard choices that can lead them down a path of debt, disappointment, or both. 

In addition to the financial cost of infertility, there is an emotional one as well. Infertility is one of the most challenging and emotionally traumatic experiences of our lives. It has changed me forever. And when we finally get the family we've dreamed of, whether by chance, ART, or adoption, all of the pain and uncertainty will be worth it. The scariest part, though, is not knowing if we will ever get to that point. Not knowing if we will ever be a mother and father. Not knowing how much longer we will have to wait. But with that uncertainty is a glimmer of hope that life might eventually feel complete.

This is why there is a need for legislation to support the infertility community. The costs of ART alone can prevent some couples from becoming parents. Shouldn't everyone have a choice to get treatment? Many of the issues that cause infertility are no different from a thyroid disorder or birth defect that are covered by insurance, so why is infertility alone a reason to deny coverage? It's not fair and it's wrong. We need support to get through this, and the financial aspect is the most daunting and difficult part for many of us without coverage. We have got to speak up and have our voices heard, that's the only way we can promote change and make a difference in the lives of the infertiles who come after us. I look forward to the day when infertile couples have options that are covered by insurance and have an equal opportunity to seek the treatment they need to become parents.

Helpful links:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

Walk of Hope 2014

This morning I attended the Walk of Hope event in Scottsdale. This is an annual event put on by Resolve to raise awareness and donations for infertility. It was comforting being around so many other men and women who are or have been in our shoes. It was also great to see so many children running around the event! To know that most of those children are the result of fertility treatments is amazing and truly inspiring.

This event is partially the reason why I decided to "come out" of the infertility closet. And the fact that it's been about 3 years now and I'm tired of hiding it and making excuses when people ask "So when are you going to have kids?" I want people to understand what I'm going through, or at least educate them on what it's like to be infertile and how common this disease really is. I'm not going to make a huge announcement on Facebook or anything like that. Instead I'll just start posting informative or inspirational quotes or graphics on my social media sites. Hopefully I can raise awareness and I might even discover some friends that are going through the same thing in silence.

I'm glad I finally made it to this point on my infertility journey. I'm realizing that this struggle is making me a stronger person, and that I shouldn't be ashamed of it. Everyone has a different journey in life and struggles that they have to overcome. Infertility happens to be one of mine. And I'm tired of hiding something that takes up so much of my life. It's something I'm constantly thinking about. And I've been living it every single day for almost 3 years. It's about time that I come out of my shell and risk a little bit of bad advice. I hope I gain some more followers and raise awareness among my family and friends. You never know who you are going to inspire if you remain silent about your struggle.

Other than that big decision, Daniel and I have been trying again and crossing our fingers, arms, and toes that we will finally get our BFP! Since my cycles are back to normal now, we decided to try "naturally" until July/August and if we still aren't pregnant by then, to go back to the fertility center to look at our options.

And last but not least, here are some photos from the Walk of Hope today:

5 Reasons I'm Grateful for Infertility

I know what you're thinking. "Why would you be grateful for infertility?!" Don't get me wrong, infertility sucks. I've been dealing with it for almost 3 years now. But with time comes wisdom, and there are a few things (I could only think of 5!) that I can honestly say I'm grateful for in terms of my struggle with infertility. Not all women struggling with this may feel gratitude for these things, and that's okay! If anger is the only emotion you feel, that's okay. But I hope that I can provide a unique perspective with my short list of things to be grateful for during this difficult time.

1. I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about my body
I learned more about my body in the first year or 2 of trying to conceive than I ever did as a student in sex ed. There are just certain things nobody likes to talk about! Such as, cervical mucus! I never realized what that junk was! Or what was considered normal, or even fertile cervical mucus. Now I'm jealous of my younger self and the plentiful CM I used to have!

I've also learned to understand my body in ways I never did before. Through bbt charting and using OPK's I've learned to pinpoint ovulation and come to understand the slight ache or cramp I feel when the egg is released. Prior to infertility, I would have thought it was gas! But now that I've come to know the signs that are unique to my body, I have a much better idea of what those slight feelings or changes in my body represent.

2. The bond between my husband and I has grown stronger
This may not be true for every couple, but infertility has definitely brought me closer together with Daniel. I think a large part of that is we each have something "wrong" with us. So there is no blame. We support one another and understand that it's nobodies fault. And don't get me wrong, blame is never okay when it comes to infertility. But I understand that in some situations that might be a difficult emotion to avoid.

I've also realized just how badly Daniel wants to be a father. He's done multiple blood tests, semen analyses, has taken a multitude of vitamins and supplements, and even had surgery to improve our chances of conceiving. Every now and then I hear about a husband that refuses to get tested, probably out of fear that any negative result would diminish his manhood or something. So I'm very grateful that Daniel has never let that get in the way of our diagnosis or treatment.

3. I've realized just how lucky pregnant women truly are
Had I gotten pregnant within 3 months of trying, I'm sure I would have a VERY different perspective on pregnancy. I believe that this struggle changes us, in some good ways and bad. But fundamentally it changes the way we view pregnancy. Almost every woman dealing with infertility will get frustrated when she hears a pregnant woman complain about her pregnancy, or when she says something like "I wish the baby would come early so I can get this over with". I know women who have lost pregnancies in the 2nd or 3rd trimester. Do you think those women would complain about swollen ankles or back aches if they someday make it to full term and deliver a healthy baby?

When I get pregnant, I'm sure I will find things to complain about. But more than anything, I will be GRATEFUL for the morning sickness. I will be grateful for the aches and pains. For the weight gain and stretch marks. Because all of that means that this struggle will soon come to an end, and that my dream of having a baby is finally coming true.

Infertility definitely puts things in perspective, and I'm sure this is the universal truth: any infertile woman would sacrifice just about anything to achieve pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby full-term.

4. I've met some incredible women dealing with infertility
In February of 2012 I came across a website called Babycenter.com and there I found a community of women at every stage of fertility, infertility, pregnancy, and beyond. I found a group for those dealing with infertility and that was the biggest turning point in this journey for me. I learned SO MUCH from these women! More than I've learned from any doctors. These women not only have researched and lived through it, they give support that only a fellow infertile woman can provide. And it's truly priceless.

5. I've become an advocate for my own health
I've learned that not all doctors know what they're talking about. An OB/GYN is the expert on pregnancy, but are they experts on infertility? In most cases, absolutely not! Things that they would say are "normal" can actually be signs that there is a bigger issue that could potentially prevent a pregnancy.

In my 3 years of TTC, I have seen 1 OB/GYN, 2 fertility specialists, and 1 gynecological surgeon. Through my research and advice from fellow infertiles, I have learned to be my own advocate and not to take everything a doctor says as the truth or as the only way things can be addressed. And this is something that can be transferred to all other areas of my life! Being your own advocate is the BEST way to solve any health issues, especially if you are seeing a doctor that thinks it's "normal" or recommends a treatment plan that you're not comfortable with. Educating yourself is the best solution, and getting a 2nd or 3rd opinion should not be the exception to the rule.


So there you have it! My short list of things to be grateful for when struggling with infertility. Sometimes it's important to see the silver lining, even when you're in the middle of a downpour.

Christmas Update

I hope everyone has had a good Christmas! But to be honest, I'm glad it's over with. I know it is a hard time of year for us "infertiles". It's a very kid-centric holiday. Most of us have younger nieces and nephews to spend the holiday with, and it reminds us of what we're lacking. The sound of little footsteps and laughter as they run through the house, the anticipation for the magical arrival of Santa Clause, and their sweet, joyful faces as they open each present to reveal a new toy or gadget to play with. It's the time of year when it's most transparent what we're missing, and the same images that cause others to feel overjoyed with love and contentment, cause the rest of us to have the distinct feeling of emptiness and doubt. A feeling that sinks to the bottom of our hearts and makes us wonder: how many more holidays will pass where I feel like I'm on the outside looking in?

I think 2013 was an unlucky year for a lot of us. Hopes and dreams still left unfulfilled will need to be rolled over to 2014. But for me, I have a little more hope and I feel like we have slightly better chances next year to finally have our dreams come true.

Yesterday I had my follow up appointment from my November surgery. I had a non-operative hysteroscopy and had the IUD removed. The RN in the room during the procedure turned the monitor towards me so I could see what was going on. After removing the IUD my doctor took a look around with the scope and found no evidence of a septum! I would say I was thrilled but to be honest I was kind of out of it. They gave me 2 Vicodin and a Valium before the procedure so I was nice and relaxed the entire time. I didn't feel much discomfort either, so overall it was a good experience.

After the procedure I was prescribed Provera to take for 5 days to induce a period so I can start over fresh. The timing is kind of perfect; I should get AF right around New Year's and then we can start TTC again!

The only hiccup I can see is if Daniel's surgery wasn't completely successful. We won't know for sure until we have a follow up semen analysis in April. But even if his sperm quality hasn't significantly improved, at least I'll know our chances are better than they've ever been before. I'd feel overjoyed if we finally get our baby next year!

Best of luck to all of you in 2014!!!

Surgery experience #2

I had my 2nd septum surgery on Wednesday, Nov. 6th. It was a much different experience than my first surgery in a couple of ways. 1) I had a different doctor doing the surgery and the location was different 2) I reacted to the anesthesia differently this time and 3) the doc placed an IUD after the surgery instead of a balloon catheter, like I had the first time.

Coming out of the surgery I was very much out of it and don't remember much. Apparently I was using profane language and telling one of the nurses that I was preparing for the zombie apocalypse. Hopefully they got a good laugh from my anesthetic stupor.

Dr. Roy told Daniel there was more of the septum left than she had anticipated, taking up about 1/3 of my uterus. She was confident that she divided the full septum and then she placed the Paragard IUD as a stint. The IUD will stay there for 6 weeks.

I was also given Estradial to take twice daily for the next 6 weeks to help my lining cover up the septal area and assist the healing process.

As far as pain goes, it's been pretty minimal. I've had some moderate cramping and have been bleeding off and on, but no major pain. In fact I feel ready to go back to work tomorrow, just 2 days after the surgery.

I have a follow up scheduled for 6 weeks from now to remove the IUD and check the inside of the uterus to make sure the septum is gone and that everything has healed properly. Once she removes the IUD we can start TTC again.

I really hope this was the last time I'll need a surgery for this. It's been a rough year for me and I'm hoping that we'll finally get pregnant in 2014! 

2 Surgeries

Well it's been a few weeks since my last post and I have a few updates to share. Daniel had a Varicocelectomy on October 18th. He had a varicocele on his left testicle so they "tied off" some of the veins and hopefully his fellas won't overheat so much anymore. It takes about 6 months to fully recover from this procedure (from a TTC standpoint) so for the moment our baby-making is on hold.

I figured since we're on a forced break, and 3 doctors have recommended that I get another surgery to remove the rest of my septum, that we might as well get my surgery over with too. So I scheduled my 2nd septum resection with a different doctor; she is a gynecological surgeon and this is her specialty, so I hope she does a good job and that I'll never have to worry about my stupid septum ever again.  Plus, my new doctor, Dr. Roy, said that instead of using a balloon catheter she might use an IUD instead to prevent the uterine walls from touching and allow the uterus to heal properly. I like this idea and hope that it works out for the best and that I have a fully functioning, "normal" uterus by the time this is all over.

So other than that not much is going on. I must say that this break was much needed, I'm sure you can tell that from my previous post. I've been feeling a very strong sense of abandonment and anger on a spiritual level. I'm starting to lose faith in everything I once believed in. I just don't feel like anyone is watching out for me.

Hopefully I can snap out of it soon and in the next few months build my strength so when we can start trying again, I can have hope and believe that we might actually get what we've been praying for, a baby.