Tuesday, May 24, 2016

My Adoption Attachment Experience

I've been debating about whether or not I should write this post. I've gone back and forth for a week now. Part of me felt that it's too personal, but the other part of me decided that it's important to share my emotions with you all, even the complex ones.

As our adoption approached, I really didn't know what to expect in regards to the attachment and bonding experience. And you can't really set expectations for that.  It's different for everyone, and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the age of the child when adopted, and the emotions of the adoptive parents. The attachment process may take longer for one parent, and be immediate for the other. It all varies and a longer attachment period doesn't mean that you've done something wrong or that you won't ever feel attached to that child.

That being said, I will admit that I was worried about this from the very beginning. It was not an immediate attachment for me, as I'm sure it is for many women who give birth to their child. Don't get me wrong, when I first saw Aria, I loved her and felt so happy that she had finally arrived. We did skin to skin for the first hour of her life to help with the bonding process, but that alone did not make me feel "attached" to her.  It took time.

Again, I'm being totally honest here and my experience may be different from yours. When we took Aria home, for the first several weeks I felt like a babysitter. I looked at her and remembered that she was born from another woman, and a big part of me felt like I was just the caretaker of this beautiful little girl.  I didn't feel like her "real" mom.  And part of me still struggles with that label.

However, over the next few weeks I started to get more and more attached to her. She started to recognize me and smile. When I held her, she would hold on to me so tight and pull on my shirt as if she was trying to get as close to me as possible. She would sleep on my chest and I would listen to her breath and make little "ooh" noises. With each day I started to fall more and more in love with her. And it hasn't stopped!

I'm finally to the point where I feel like she is "mine". She is my daughter and my love for her has grown beyond anything I could have imagined. I look at her and my heart melts.  I don't want to be away from her. And I'm so proud to be her mommy.

I'm sure the bonding process will continue for both of us for a while. And again, I'm not sure what to expect, but I will roll with it and as long as we're together, I'm confident everything will be just fine. I know there may be some tough conversations in the future, and I know that I will have to deal with insecurities, but in my heart I know it will be okay. Because I love Aria, and I will do whatever it takes to be the best mommy that I can be for her.

I've included some resources about the attachment and bonding process for adoptive families. As always, if you have any questions feel free to comment below or send me a message via the "Contact Me" feature.

https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/adoption-bonding-home/attachment-bonding-after-adoption-developmental-stages/

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/foundations/adoption-and-orphans/how-to-develop-a-bond-with-an-adopted-child

http://www.adoptionhelp.org/articles/loving-bonding-adopted-baby



6 comments:

  1. Even giving birth to my baby boy I felt like I was just baby sitting, like he wasn't really mine. I think part of it is you just can't believe it finally happened and don't want it taken away. Congratulations!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad that I'm not alone in feeling that way! I think we have these expectations that once we hold our baby, all those years of infertility, struggle, loss, will just evaporate with the realization of motherhood. But unfortunately I think those events continue to impact us as we adjust to Mommyhood.

      Delete
  2. Thank you so much for this! After several years in the TTC and ART world, my husband and I decided to pursue adoption and we're matched with a birthmom due in September. I'm staying very cautious with my emotions around this, but would like to start reading more in preparation. Until now, I felt like an impostor trying to poke around in the adoption world. Do you have any suggestions for blogs about adoption/parenting after adoption? Not the big, business-y blogs, but real people talking about their experience?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank YOU for reading!!! Adoption can be so overwhelming and there are a lot of emotions, which sometimes conflict with one another. You can find a lot of personal Adoption blogs by visiting Stirrup Queen's blogroll here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/adoption-room/

      Delete
  3. Thanks for writing this Jessica! Miss you! Everyone told me giving birth would be the most euphoric thing but I also didn't bond immediately. It felt like an exhausting chore because I was physically drained and I was jealous of my husband for bonding with the baby so fast. Once we got to know each other we were thick as thieves but it wasn't instant.. And I felt guilty about that. But no one really told me that was ok. Thanks Jess. -Britt

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I experienced that jealousy too. It worried me, because I felt like I should have felt more the moment I saw her. But it doesn't work that way for everyone! Thank you for checking out my blog! I hope all is well :)

      Delete