“Extra!” Review and Giveaway!!!

Our stories are unique. We've experienced a different path to parenthood than most. Whether it’s through IVF, IUI, Clomid, or adoption, our journeys are strife with obstacles and long waits. And I think, no, I know, that it changes who we become as parents. These precious gifts, bundles of joy and answered prayers, are special. And as their parents, we want our children to understand just how special they are. That their unique beginning was marked with years of challenges, waiting, prayers, and wishes on stars. They are here because we never gave up and we took every chance we could. They’re special because it took a little extra to get them here. 

A fellow blogger and infertility priestess (yes it's a thing!), Kaeleigh MacDonald, just wrote a book about this topic. It’s a children’s book titled “Extra” and it’s one of my new favorites! One thing I really love about her book is that it explains this all to a child in a way that’s easy for them to understand, without causing any confusion. And it’s also a great catalyst for discussions or for your child to ask questions about their beginning.

As an adoptive mom, I try to find children’s books that touch on adoption or families that don’t fit the usual mold. And Kaeleigh's book does a beautiful job of celebrating all types of families, including adoptive families. And this is why I love it so much. I think it's so important for my daughter to understand that her story is special and unique, and that makes her so very special too. Maybe even, EXTRA special. :)

Kaeleigh was kind enough to send me a copy of her book for a giveaway!!! So before you go to Amazon to make a purchase, put your name into the hat for a free copy.  ;)

Kaeleigh's blog tour started on January 22nd, and she kicked it off on her blog, Unpregnant Chicken. There will be new posts each day, so make sure to follow along here!

Now on to the giveaway!

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Listen Up!: For Waiting Mothers

Image Courtesy of Elton Harding on Flickr

Motherhood is complicated.

It's messy, stressful, and difficult. And it can also be very lonely.  Especially for those mothers who are still waiting for their children.

Do you remember the Friend's episode, when Chandler is talking about Monica and their struggle to start a family?  He says "She's a mother, without a baby."

So many mothers, and fathers, are in this position. They know in their heart that they are already a mother or father. They have made space. They have carved out a section of their heart and soul for a baby that hasn't yet come.

And waiting to fill that space is one of the most painful things anyone can endure.

I adopted my daughter last year after 5 years of infertility. I wondered, would I be surprised? Would the love I felt be something brand new?

For me, it wasn't. It was profound and deep and wonderful and so beautiful, but I was not surprised by it. And I think I know why.

I had loved her all along.  I had been waiting for her.  My heart had a space just for her, waiting to be filled.  And once she came, and my heart filled up, it wasn't new. The love was there all along. It just finally had somewhere to go.

And this is what made infertility so painful for me. I had so much love to give. I had opened up so much of my heart for this child, and the waiting and wondering if she would ever come was the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

I hate that so many of my friends, and those in the infertility community, are still in limbo. Wondering if their love will have somewhere to go. If they will ever be fulfilled. If their heart will ever feel whole again.

What kills me is knowing that for some, it won't. Infertility treatment is so expensive and draining in every sense. Adoption is even more expensive. For many families, their desire to have a child is completely dependent on the size of their bank account, and this is heartbreaking.

Families are important. These mothers and fathers without a child are important. Their story matters. Their pain matters. And unfortunately it's a fact that infertility is often seen as an "optional" state.

But it's not optional for us to want a child. It's inherent. It's in our culture and DNA. It's a huge part of who we are and who we hope to become. And neglecting that part of ourselves will only cause pain, depression, and isolation.

So, it's time to Listen Up. Affordable infertility treatment, adoption tax incentives, and access to healthcare are all critical for our families. And we have the power to change this. Call your local Senator. Talk to your employer. Ask them to listen, because what you have to say is important and meaningful and will have an impact not just for yourself, but for the thousands of waiting parents with an incomplete heart.

For more information, please visit http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/

Co-sleeping....

Photo courtesy of Cascadian Farm on Flickr

So...we're co-sleeping.

I don't know why but I feel a little embarrassed or ashamed about this.  I never really judged anyone else for doing it, we just never planned on co-sleeping with our baby.  I imagined ourselves as the parents that would have no trouble with sleep training, that we would have our baby in her crib at an early age, and that we could easily teach our baby to "self-soothe"....

But as it turned out, co-sleeping has been a life saver for us (or should I say sleep saver?).

Every baby is different, and every parenting situation and style may be different.  So what works for us may not work for you and vice versa.  And that's okay!  Honestly, I hope we don't co-sleep for a long time because I do still want Aria to learn how to sleep by herself in her own room.  But now is just not the time for her and that's okay.

Around 7-8 months we started to transition Aria to her crib from the bassinet in our room. She had not been co-sleeping with us before that, although I would usually rock her to sleep and sometimes I would pull her into bed with us in the mornings. But overall she would sleep the whole night by herself in the bassinet next to our bed with one night waking for a bottle. Then, she started to outgrow her bassinet, and we figured it was a good time to move her to the nursery.

We tried the Ferber Method, or the gentle cry-it-out (there are so many names for this!).  So basically we would lay her down in her crib when she was drowsy and fed, and then leave the room.  If she started to cry, we would check on her in 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then at 20 minutes, and so forth.
The problem was that she would not stop crying....for hours.  And it seemed that the longer we tried this method, the worse it got.  She would start screaming the second we went to lay her down in the crib.  She would cry and scream at the top of her lungs, and it would take 2-3 hours before she would become so exhausted that she finally went to sleep.  But then, she would wake up an hour or maybe a few hours later, and start screaming again, unable to put herself back to sleep.

So, out of frustration and sleep-deprivation, we pulled her into bed with us one night. And it was such a stark contrast!

She fell asleep within minutes.  If she woke up in the middle of the night, she wouldn't cry, she would drift back to sleep without us holding or cuddling her.

And she started sleeping for 11-12 hours straight.

That's when we made the decision to continue co-sleeping with her.  Every baby is unique and this situation works very well for her.  And honestly it works out so much better for us too. She is asleep by 7:30 without any tears.  So that gives us time to do whatever we want to do, read, watch tv, or spend time together.  It just works for us.

This isn't a permanent situation of course, and we will continue co-sleeping for as long as Aria needs us to or as long as she's unable to self-soothe.

At first I really felt like we were doing something wrong because we gave up on sleep training, but the more I researched on the issue and read other parent's testimonies, I realized that it's okay to do whatever we need to do so that our child can get deep, restorative sleep that they need to grow and be healthy.  That's the most important thing for us.

One of the resources that I read that was very insightful and made me feel a lot better about this decision was The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith.  You can also read her blog about this topic here.

What are your thoughts on co-sleeping?

My One and Only

I've been gone a while, and I apologize. I've missed this space and I keep wanting to turn back to it, but I have so much going on at the moment and it's difficult to find time. But here I am! I've been thinking about this post for a while and now it's finally time to get it out of my head and into the blogosphere.

I've been receiving a lot of questions lately along the lines of "Will you adopt again?" And my answer has been, "I don't think so." After all, the situation with Aria kinda fell into my lap. We weren't planning on pursing adoption, but when the opportunity came up we couldn't turn it down. And it's been the best choice we've ever made.

I'm not opposed to adopting another baby. I think it would be wonderful and we would be so grateful to share our home and our love with another precious little one. But to be honest, at this moment, my heart is full and we are happy with a family of three.  All we ever wanted was to share our hearts with a child we could call our own, and now that we have that, I feel complete. That's not to say that I won't ever want another one, but for now we are fulfilled and happy.

With that in mind, I'm constantly thinking about how this will be the last time for everything. The last time our baby learns to rollover, or crawl, or gets her first tooth. Right now is the youngest that she'll ever be, and it's very bittersweet. I cannot take this for granted, because these moments will soon pass and my baby will grow up. Each new stage is exciting, but I'll miss the newborn stage, and soon I will miss this stage, and every one thereafter.

So I'm living in the moment, and enjoying every little bit of her at this age. Because she's growing so fast! It makes me sad sometimes; I would stop time in this moment if I could, just to hold her and feel her little body pressed against my chest. To smell her hair and listen to her coo. It's the best feeling in the entire world, and I'm so lucky that I get to experience this after all we've gone through.

Of course we can't know what the future holds, and in a year's time my mind and my heart may want to pursue adoption or further infertility treatments. But right now I'm not thinking about it. I'm so happy with my baby girl and our little family, and all of the experiences that I've been blessed with that were once nothing but a dream.

Adoption is Final!

Our adoption of baby A was finalized on July 14, so it’s officially OFFICIAL now!!!  We are so excited for A to finally share our last name.  We still have a few things left to do, such as wait on the new birth certificate naming Daniel and I as her mother and father.  Once we receive that then we’ll be able to order her Social Security Card!  Fun stuff, right?  But hey, it’s exciting for us. We aren’t just legal guardians anymore, we are legit parents!  We were before but now it’s of-fi-shul!!!

Our situation was somewhat unique in that we knew that the adoption would not be contested, so the court hearing was just the last step to finalize everything.  But it still felt great to know that A is ours forever and we are just beyond thrilled!  The judge was kind enough to snap a few pictures with us, which we will add to A’s adoption photo album.

A is almost 4 months old now and she is growing so fast!  She has already started to rollover and is babbling like crazy.  She has started to reach for and hold on to her toys and blankets.  It’s so much fun to watch her grow and I just love being her mom.  I'll try to update the blog more often, but it has been crazy especially since I went back to work at the end of June.  Life is so different now and I will continue to share updates on our little family!

For now I hope you are doing well and are having a great summer!

My Adoption Attachment Experience

I've been debating about whether or not I should write this post. I've gone back and forth for a week now. Part of me felt that it's too personal, but the other part of me decided that it's important to share my emotions with you all, even the complex ones.

As our adoption approached, I really didn't know what to expect in regards to the attachment and bonding experience. And you can't really set expectations for that.  It's different for everyone, and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the age of the child when adopted, and the emotions of the adoptive parents. The attachment process may take longer for one parent, and be immediate for the other. It all varies and a longer attachment period doesn't mean that you've done something wrong or that you won't ever feel attached to that child.

That being said, I will admit that I was worried about this from the very beginning. It was not an immediate attachment for me, as I'm sure it is for many women who give birth to their child. Don't get me wrong, when I first saw Aria, I loved her and felt so happy that she had finally arrived. We did skin to skin for the first hour of her life to help with the bonding process, but that alone did not make me feel "attached" to her.  It took time.

Again, I'm being totally honest here and my experience may be different from yours. When we took Aria home, for the first several weeks I felt like a babysitter. I looked at her and remembered that she was born from another woman, and a big part of me felt like I was just the caretaker of this beautiful little girl.  I didn't feel like her "real" mom.  And part of me still struggles with that label.

However, over the next few weeks I started to get more and more attached to her. She started to recognize me and smile. When I held her, she would hold on to me so tight and pull on my shirt as if she was trying to get as close to me as possible. She would sleep on my chest and I would listen to her breath and make little "ooh" noises. With each day I started to fall more and more in love with her. And it hasn't stopped!

I'm finally to the point where I feel like she is "mine". She is my daughter and my love for her has grown beyond anything I could have imagined. I look at her and my heart melts.  I don't want to be away from her. And I'm so proud to be her mommy.

I'm sure the bonding process will continue for both of us for a while. And again, I'm not sure what to expect, but I will roll with it and as long as we're together, I'm confident everything will be just fine. I know there may be some tough conversations in the future, and I know that I will have to deal with insecurities, but in my heart I know it will be okay. Because I love Aria, and I will do whatever it takes to be the best mommy that I can be for her.

I've included some resources about the attachment and bonding process for adoptive families. As always, if you have any questions feel free to comment below or send me a message via the "Contact Me" feature.

https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/adoption-bonding-home/attachment-bonding-after-adoption-developmental-stages/

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/foundations/adoption-and-orphans/how-to-develop-a-bond-with-an-adopted-child

http://www.adoptionhelp.org/articles/loving-bonding-adopted-baby

The Other Side

I apologize for taking so long to update you all! It's been a very busy couple of months and I just haven't had the energy to write, until now! Before we get into the update...

I will be discussing my new baby, so if this is a trigger for you, please be warned. There is also a baby picture at the bottom of this post.

A (I'll be using this letter to refer to her for privacy purposes) was born on April 7th at 9:30 p.m. My husband and I were lucky enough to be in the room during the birth and it was a very emotional and amazing experience. Daniel cut the cord and I was the first to hold her. It was so surreal! 

Once I heard her cry for the first time, I just broke down in tears. I felt so much joy and love it was overwhelming. When I held her, I was overcome with the feeling that my journey had led me to exactly where I needed to be, in that moment, holding my daughter for the first time. 

We stayed in a room at the hospital for the first 2 nights, and A stayed in the room with us. On the 3rd day we were released and were able to bring her home!

It's been a whirlwind since then! All of a sudden we are parents to this beautiful little blessing, and I couldn't be happier. After so many years of feeling incomplete and broken, I finally have the missing piece and I'm overwhelmed at times with the unconditional love and expansion of my heart.

A has been doing great and is such a wonderful baby. Yes, we've had some sleepless nights, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. The opportunity to be her mother is worth every challenge.

As far as the adoption process goes, the only thing we have left to do is the court hearing which will take place in July.  At that time, the adoption will be finalized and we will receive a new birth certificate naming Daniel and I as the parents, and A will finally have our last name. :)

I will try to post more regularly, and this blog will grow to be both about adoption and infertility. I hope you will stick with me :)

And finally, I hope you enjoy these pictures!

Preparing for Baby and Nursery Tour!

April is almost here, and I've been busy nesting and preparing as much as I can for a new addition to our family.  It's a little surreal preparing for a baby that isn't technically *mine* yet. She's in someone else's belly and continues to grow each day, and I'm just anxious to get to the point where she's in my arms and I know that its real and that I get to bring her home!

My family has been so amazing and supportive throughout this process.  They threw me an adoption shower 2 weeks ago and we invited all of our family and my closest friends.  It was truly a wonderful day and I'm so grateful to my mom and sisters for putting it together.  And my work friends had a shower for me too, so I received a TON of stuff and I'm just so happy to have so many supportive people in my life.

I feel as prepared as I possibly can be at this point. My hopes are that it's a smooth process and that I get to spend a lot of bonding time with her in the hospital even before we get to take her home.  Since I know the birth mother and we're pretty close, she's going to allow us in the hospital room during the birth which is so incredibly AMAZING and it will be a beautiful experience to be there as our baby comes into the world.  Our plans are for me to have a "golden hour" with skin to skin contact with the baby as soon as she's born, and Daniel is planning to cut the cord. It will be a very emotional day and I will definitely be posting as soon as I can after baby arrives.  I have a feeling she will be here before April!

Besides the adoption update, I also wanted to share a video of our nursery! The room has been a work in process for a while, but it's pretty much finished at this point!  All we're missing is a little baby!

Shifting Gears from TTC to Adoption

Since my adoption announcement, I've been wondering how much to share on the blog.  I want to be careful and cognizant of both the birth mother, whose privacy I want to respect, and the baby, who may some day come across this blog and read about how her story began.  Keeping that in mind, I still want to share what I'm going through with you guys! This blog has been such a positive outlet for me and I've made so many friends and connections over the past couple of years. So I will continue to write about our journey and I hope you follow along.

It's definitely been an emotional process for me from the beginning.  The adoption situation came up so suddenly and out of nowhere, I barely had any time to process it all. When we were first approached about it, I was still dealing with the grief from my miscarriage and my due date in October.  There were a lot of complex feelings and emotions that I was dealing with at the time. And obviously Daniel and I made a very thoughtful decision to pursue this adoption despite those things. Since then, I've been trying to balance my grief with the hope that this adoption has given me. My therapist was a huge help as I worked through these conflicting emotions.

With each passing day, I feel less and less attached to TTC and getting pregnant the ol' fashioned way. Even before the adoption situation came up, I was already starting to let those expectations go. Of course Daniel and I would be thrilled if we were to conceive naturally, miracles happen every day. And we have our 2 snowflakes that I hope to be reunited with in the future. But for now, we are putting all of that on the back burner.

Releasing expectations of my own pregnancy wasn't easy, and I still have feelings of jealousy towards pregnant women and new mothers.  I'm not sure that will ever go away.  And of course I've struggled with the fear that this adoption won't work out. Specifically, that the birth mother will change her mind. I know this is a fear that everyone pursuing adoption has to face. But I'm not focusing on that now, I'm focusing on the positives and staying hopeful that in a few short months I will finally be a mom.

So much of this situation is completely outside of my control. It's been difficult at times, but I'm finally learning to let go of negativity and fear. Just living in the moment has been so immensely comforting to me. I have had to learn to let go and just take each day as it comes, and to acknowledge my emotions and release them when I need to. I'm finally able to feel hope again after so long, and that has been a powerful change for me.

I feel like I've come a long way from where I was a year ago, and I'm so excited to see what the future holds! I know how lucky we are to have an opportunity to adopt this way without using an agency or waiting years for a match.  Daniel and I are beyond excited and can't wait to meet our baby girl!

A BIG Announcement!

I have some amazing news!!!

...

We're adopting!

We are so excited to share this news and we've been steadily preparing our hearts and home for a new baby.  This whole situation is very unusual, because we were not looking to adopt at the time.  But somebody who knows of our situation reached out after she found out that she was unexpectedly pregnant, and asked us if we would consider adopting her baby!  Crazy, right?!

We were shocked to say the least.  But we talked about it, and we decided to go for it!  It's not anything like what we had expected, but we are overjoyed to have this opportunity to finally become parents.

She is due mid-April, and it will be an open adoption with the birth mother.  The biological father is out of the picture.  Luckily the birth mother is in state so I will (hopefully!) get to be there for the birth.

I won't say that this process has been easy.  It's been emotionally complicated as I continue to heal from my miscarriage last year, and dealing with the fear of the adoption falling through.  But I'm trying my best to stay positive, and I've been seeing a counselor to help me with all of this.  It's been a huge help and I've been feeling so much better after talking through my feelings with a professional.

So what does this mean for us and our future plans?  Well, we still have 2 frozen embryos which we will do a FET with eventually.  And we aren't getting back on birth control in the meantime.  So who knows what will happen.  But right now we are focused on welcoming a beautiful baby girl to our family!

I was worried about how to share this new with my readers, because I know how hard it is when you're in the trenches and see announcements like this.  But I hope that you'll stick with me through this new adventure!  I will be blogging about it as we get closer to the birth and also afterward as we acclimate to parenthood as adoptive parents.  I hope you'll continue to follow our story!

Defining Our Limits

Image courtesy of Katri Niemi on Flickr

I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about the "end". The end of treatments. The end of waiting and hoping each cycle that a miracle will happen. It's been 4 long years and I'm tired of my life revolving around fertility treatments. All of our extra money every month goes towards our IVF fund. It's been physically, emotionally, and financially draining. So much so that I had to define our limits for my own sanity, and for Daniel's too.

We've been talking a lot over the past few weeks about what those limits are. We have 2 good quality 6-day blasts that are frozen and waiting. We have to find out if either of them is viable. So we've decided to do a FET and transfer both of them. It would be incredible if that worked. But knowing what happened last time, and how the endometriosis is basically poisoning my eggs, I'm just not very hopeful that it will.

So that will be our last shot for a biological child. It will be the end of fertility treatments.

That doesn't mean it will be the end of our journey. We've been discussing adoption a lot, and Daniel and I are both on the same page about it. We are comfortable with the idea, and have started doing some research about the different kinds of adoptions, timelines, and costs. We've waited so long already, and it will be very difficult to continue waiting. But with adoption, the odds of being matched with a baby are very good, and most couples are matched within 2 years. Daniel and I would feel so blessed to open our hearts and our home to a child that needs a family.

We won't be starting the adoption process until after our FET, and that will probably happen sometime next year. But in the meantime, having our limits established feels really good. The idea of continuing IVF was very stressful for me, and I really feel that it's the right decision to stop after our FET. I know many women who are able to continue IVF many times and who do end up pregnant eventually. I just don't think I'm one of those women. Emotionally or financially, it's just not something that I can handle.

And you know what, I'm okay with that. We are all different, and our journeys are different. What's right for me may be wrong for someone else. The important thing is to acknowledge where your limits are, and to feel confident when setting those limits.

Have you established limits? Please feel free to share them in the comments below!

This post is linked up at Amateur Nester.