Saturday, April 11, 2015

Image courtesy of danieladamss on Flickr

The past 2 weeks I’ve been struggling to figure out what happens next. How I’m supposed to move forward or move on from this. I’m not the same person. Not necessarily in a bad way; I’m just different. So many women have gone through this, and they’ve all survived somehow. So I can only hope that I will too. But survival isn’t enough. I need to embrace what happened as an experience, one that I need to use as a catalyst for growth.

I can’t allow myself to dwell in the sadness. It’s just so overwhelming at times and although I need to honor that pain, I don’t want it to define me. The only option I have is to move forward with greater purpose and strength than I had before. That’s the only way any of this can make sense.

On the outside, this may seem like a small change. But for me, this is huge. I have to make a conscious effort not to give up and let the hopelessness defeat me. Because if I let too much darkness inside, it would swallow me up. And I can’t allow that to happen. I have to keep moving, growing, and living. Even though it can be extremely difficult to do so.

A large part of the decision to keep moving forward is to focus on my health. I have never felt so weak as I felt during the miscarriage. My body experienced a huge trauma, and this triggered me to focus on my physical strength. At least that’s something I can control. Inner strength is something I’m still working on and will improve with time.

As far as making a decision to try again with our 2 remaining embryos, I can’t say that I have any news on that. It’s not something I want to think about right now. I know I’m not ready to try again. For all intents and purposes we are on a break for the foreseeable future. I know a lot of people want to try as soon as possible following a miscarriage. It’s part of their path towards healing. But I don’t feel like it would be a healing process for me. Not after 4 years of disappointments. I just can’t allow myself to feel that kind of hope right now.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me during this difficult time. I can’t even put into words how much it means to me to have your support. This community is amazing and it truly is a sisterhood, a tribe, and a sacred place. I can’t imagine what I would do without you.

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