Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Defining Our Limits

Image courtesy of Katri Niemi on Flickr
I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about the "end". The end of treatments. The end of waiting and hoping each cycle that a miracle will happen. It's been 4 long years and I'm tired of my life revolving around fertility treatments. All of our extra money every month goes towards our IVF fund. It's been physically, emotionally, and financially draining. So much so that I had to define our limits for my own sanity, and for Daniel's too.

We've been talking a lot over the past few weeks about what those limits are. We have 2 good quality 6-day blasts that are frozen and waiting. We have to find out if either of them is viable. So we've decided to do a FET and transfer both of them. It would be incredible if that worked. But knowing what happened last time, and how the endometriosis is basically poisoning my eggs, I'm just not very hopeful that it will.

So that will be our last shot for a biological child. It will be the end of fertility treatments.

That doesn't mean it will be the end of our journey. We've been discussing adoption a lot, and Daniel and I are both on the same page about it. We are comfortable with the idea, and have started doing some research about the different kinds of adoptions, timelines, and costs. We've waited so long already, and it will be very difficult to continue waiting. But with adoption, the odds of being matched with a baby are very good, and most couples are matched within 2 years. Daniel and I would feel so blessed to open our hearts and our home to a child that needs a family.

We won't be starting the adoption process until after our FET, and that will probably happen sometime next year. But in the meantime, having our limits established feels really good. The idea of continuing IVF was very stressful for me, and I really feel that it's the right decision to stop after our FET. I know many women who are able to continue IVF many times and who do end up pregnant eventually. I just don't think I'm one of those women. Emotionally or financially, it's just not something that I can handle.

And you know what, I'm okay with that. We are all different, and our journeys are different. What's right for me may be wrong for someone else. The important thing is to acknowledge where your limits are, and to feel confident when setting those limits.

Have you established limits? Please feel free to share them in the comments below!

This post is linked up at Amateur Nester.


  1. This is such a tough issue. I'm glad you and your husband are on the same page and that you were able to make a decision, even though it must've been hard. Praying that your FET does the trick!

  2. I read a post about the importance of setting limits very early on in our infertility struggle. It was so helpful. I know in the heat of the moment, I would have gone to any length! It kept everything in perspective!

    1. I read the same thing about setting limits. My counselor advised me to do this as well. My patience and emotional state would not have allowed me to continue past a certain point. I am a statistics girl, and I adhered to them in my journey (4-6 round of meds, 3-4 IUI's, 3 IVF's, etc).

      I wholeheartedly agree with Jessica's last statement:

      We are all different, and our journeys are different. What's right for me may be wrong for someone else. The important thing is to acknowledge where your limits are, and to feel confident when setting those limits.

      Well said.

  3. When we did our first IVF cycle, our limit was that if it didn't work (which would be impossible, I thought), we would have to pay off that cycle before we could try again. It was hard to have to do that, but we didn't set any limits (besides a vague "we won't be able to afford another, but let's talk about that later...") for the second cycle and it kind of hung over my head. Neither way is pleasant, but I think at least knowing the end-game (if not the end result) feels a bit more secure than just hanging off the edge of the cliff.

  4. I think it is great you have established a limit. This whole process is such a tough roller-coaster ride with our normal woman hormones... it doubles our triples with injections, pills, procedures, etc. It is especially tough when we finally get our BFP, and then have it taken away from us. As if life was playing a cruel cruel joke.
    I will be keeping you and Daniel in my prayers (good vibes, positive energy, what ever it is you believe in). This whole fertility process can put so much stress on us and in our marriage. I think it will be great for you and Daniel to finally relax and enjoy life.
    Matt and I have considered adoption as well, and we are back at trying to get pregnant again, but after two miscarriages it is hard to have hope. So I completely understand that you are afraid to feel the excitement of another IVF cycle.
    An adoptive child or biological child is a blessing, either way you look at it, we will always think "what if.. what if.."
    I am sending you a big, warm, virtual hug! Chin up! We have no more options than to move forward. <3

  5. Oh, yes. The limits.

    Setting very clear boundaries was my husband's idea, right from the start. The nitty-gritty of figuring out "we won't do this, we will do that" and the timeline of all those decisions have been a stable foundation through all of this.

  6. I hope this FET works for you! Since you have moved to a place of acceptance about the possibility of not having genetic children, have you considered receiving an Embryo Donation? There are over 500,000 embryos in storage in the U.S. alone. Many families are now donating their remaining embryos once their family building process is complete. Often donated embryos come from donor cycles, where healthy young egg and/or sperm donors contributed. So the chance of a success pregnancy is very, very high. Also the costs are much, much less than IVF. Embryos are donated. Freely given. All you pay for are the legal and medical services expenses. It's usually $5000-7000 to receive a group of embryos and have a transfer. Additional transfers are about $3000. Embryo Donation is a great way to enjoy growing your children from your own body without the incredible stress of a "birth mother" possibly changing her mind at the last minute. With embryo donation, YOU are the birth mother. You are also the biological mother, because that baby was grown from your body. You might not have contributed the genetics, but genetics are only blueprints, and never the house. Besides, scientific research out of Stanford has shown that all humans, no matter the background or ethnicity, are 99.9% genetically identical. Ask your IVF clinic if they have a program for Embryo Donation. It's definitely worth looking into!