#GiveVoice: Part 3 - My Story

Please check out Part 1 and 2 of this series for #GiveVoice, a part of #GivingTuesdayRESOLVE.

My story begins like many infertility stories do, trying really hard NOT to get pregnant. I was on birth control for several years, even after getting married, because we didn't want any surprises. We wanted to intentionally get pregnant and have everything planned out. Unfortunately for us, things didn't work out that way.

We started trying to conceive (TTC) in April of 2011. We had gone to a nephew's birthday party one weekend, and I was watching all the little ones run around playing. And that was my trigger. Some people know their whole life that they want to be a mom. For me, it was always down the road, something that would happen when I was ready, it was always "someday". But at that birthday party, something inside of me changed and I decided that I wanted to experience motherhood, and "someday" turned into "now". So I got off birth control and we decided to start "casually" TTC. By casual I mean, no ovulation tracking or anything like that. Basically not trying/not preventing (NTNP).

Well, after about 6 months of waiting for something to happen, I started to get the feeling that something was wrong. I suspected a luteal phase defect and probably spent 100's of hours researching that along with everything else that could possibly be wrong. We tried all kinds of different supplements, progesterone creams, and lots of prayers, but nothing was working.

Finally in September 2012 we decided it was time to see a fertility specialist. We had already been TTC for about 18 months at that point. They completed the routine testing, and I was shocked to learn that both Daniel and I had problems that could prevent us from having children. I was diagnosed with a uterine septum, and Daniel was diagnosed with low motility and low morphology. I was ovulating regularly, but with such poor sperm quality there wasn't a good chance of us conceiving on our own. Even if we did, my septum would most likely cause a miscarriage.

We tried Clomid for a few cycles before I had my first hysteroscopy to remove the uterine septum, and Daniel started seeing a Urologist. In April 2013 I found out that the surgery wasn't 100% successful and that I would need a 2nd surgery to remove the rest of the septum. That's actually very common but it was still so frustrating to have to go through all that again. So we decided to wait a few months before having a 2nd surgery.

We got a 2nd opinion from another RE and we decided to try an IUI. It failed. So we moved on and I scheduled my 2nd hysteroscopy in November 2013. By this time Daniel had been diagnosed with a varicocele, so he had surgery around the same time.

Early in 2014, I got the "all clear" to start TTC again, but we found out that Daniel's varicocelectomy did nothing to improve his sperm quality. We were told that IVF would be our best bet.

So here we are! On the precipice of IVF, waiting for our consultation, and trying to do some last minute fundraising to reach our goal. It's hard to believe that it's been 3 1/2 years since this journey started. 43 months. I never thought it would take this long.

Once we realized that we would need to fundraise to afford IVF we decided to "come out of the infertility closet". We made an announcement during National Infertility Awareness Week and received nothing but positive feedback and support. It was very encouraging and so far I have no regrets about sharing our story. In fact, being open about this journey has empowered me to be an advocate, not just for my own health, but for all the women and men who suffer from infertility. I hope by sharing my story it will inspire at least one other person to do so.

Even a small voice can make a huge impact.

Photo courtesy of Howard Lake via Flickr

#GiveVoice: Part 2 - Top 5 Reasons You SHOULD Share Your Infertility Journey

In Part 1 of this series, I discussed the top 5 reasons why most infertile couples decide to keep their journey a secret. Early on in my journey, I used several of those reasons to convince myself it was best not to share our infertility story with others.

But I came to the point in my journey where I decided that keeping everything a secret wasn't helping me. In fact, it was causing me to feel isolated and shameful about everything that had happened. I decided to share my story, first on this blog, and it grew from there and eventually I shared our story on Facebook to all of my family and friends. I felt that I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore.

Surprisingly, this has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. Here are the top 5 reasons why sharing your story, your whole story, with others could change your life for the better.

Reason #1
Empowerment

I feel so empowered when I tell my story. It was scary at first. I wasn't sure what kind of response I would receive or if I would be judged by my family or friends. Especially when we made the announcement that we'll be moving forward with IVF. But I finally came to the conclusion that most of the people who would be judging me have never been in my shoes. They have never had to make these difficult decisions about their family building journey. I felt empowered that I have had to make these difficult decisions. I have been through a LOT and I'm stronger than I was 3 years ago. I have been forever changed by this journey, and I wouldn't want to go back to who I was before.

Reason #2
Pride

Being an "infertile" means that you have probably been through fertility testing, you may have suffered losses. You may have seen specialists and have had countless appointments, blood draws, and procedures. You may have discovered things that caused you intense fear and anxiety in the past have now become the norm. For example, I used to be terrified of having my blood drawn. I would shake and cry anytime I had to have that done. Now, I just sit there calmly and it gets easier every time. I'm proud of what I've been through and how far I've come. I'm proud to be part of a community of strong women who know what they want and will give almost anything to achieve it. I'm proud to say that I'm a better person because of infertility.

Reason #3
Support

The support I have received since sharing my journey has been overwhelming. Friends and family have rallied around me and have given me hope when the fear sneaks in. They've supported my fundraising efforts and have shared my story with others. They have inspired me to keep sharing my journey and not to be ashamed of who I am. And it's not just about the support I've received, it's about the support I've been able to give to others who are struggling with infertility as well. I'm no longer afraid to share their stories, promote their blogs, or contribute to their fundraising efforts. I'm proud to support them and give them the same support that I've received along this journey.

Reason #4
Education

By sharing your story, you are educating others about the disease of infertility. You are giving a face to this disease. It is SO IMPORTANT to give voice to your struggle in order to raise awareness and help to remove some of the stigma that surrounds infertility. Even if you only share your story anonymously through a blog, it is still educating others who may stumble upon your story and what you've been through. You are also educating other women who may be at the beginning of their infertility journey. Maybe they share your diagnosis and learn through your experiences. Raising your voice and sharing your infertility story is essential to educate others about this disease and how impactful it is on our communities. If you would like to learn more about raising awareness for infertility, please visit www.resolve.org.

Reason #5
Community

Speaking of community, you will find that you are part of a large, very active, and absolutely amazing group of women who are struggling with infertility from a wide array of backgrounds and diagnoses. I posted recently on How to Find an Infertility Support Group. There are countless groups online through every social media site, as well as local support groups you can find through the Resolve.org website here. Finding an infertility support group has been the MOST positive aspect of my journey and the ladies I have connected with have helped me immensely. They have supported me when I'm feeling down, they have understood me in a way that only other infertile women can, and they have provided a feeling of belonging in place of isolation.

If you are not comfortable sharing your journey with others yet, that's okay. But I would encourage you to share your story with others. To raise your voice and become part of a movement that will make a difference in the lives of our daughters, nieces, and other women across the world who suffer from infertility. It's no doubt a risk, but I think you will find that the positives strongly outweigh the negatives.

What has your experience been like when sharing your story?

Check out Part 3 of this series where I tell my infertility story, here.

#GiveVoice: Part 1 - Top 5 Reasons Infertiles Keep Their Journey a Secret

Resolve.org has started a 3 month campaign to help promote their #GivingTuesday project. October's theme is to #GiveVoice. To find more information on this project, please click here.

With the topic of #GiveVoice, I decided to write about the reasons infertile couples decide to keep their journey a secret. I came across a post on Instragram a few days ago that helped me come up with the reasons for this list. Someone had posted how so many of us "infertiles" who are struggling to conceive or build our family keep everything a secret, only sharing our journey with a couple trusted individuals. Usually our only confidantes are our husband or partner (obviously), mom, or best friend.

While I understand this, especially since I was the same way in the beginning, I think it makes things even more difficult for those who are struggling with infertility. I will discuss the positive things about sharing your story in Part 2 of this series. But for now, let's talk about the top 5 reasons why infertile couples decide to keep their journey a secret.

Reason #1
Shame

There is a stigma that surrounds infertility. It exists in part because many people don't understand it. I didn't truly understand infertility until it affected me personally, so I can understand the misconceptions that many people have about this disease. And it can be shameful when your body is incapable of achieving the one thing it was meant to do, reproduce. Especially as a woman, there is a lot of shame involved with the failure to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. Personally, I have felt this. I have felt like I was "defected" because I was born with an abnormal uterus. I felt a lot of shame because of that. There was something "wrong" with me. And I'm sure most women, or men, who have a diagnosable condition that causes infertility will feel that shame about their condition. So they keep it a secret.

Reason #2
Privacy

Infertility is a very personal, private journey that involves one of the most intimate acts, sex. But not only that, it also involves a very personal decision made between two people when they decide to have a child. But when you're dealing with infertility, there are so many twists and turns on your journey that complicate that decision. Now you are having to decide if you will pursue treatment. If so, what kind of treatment? How many tries? Will you do IUI or IVF? Can you afford IVF? Will you do ICSI, PGD, PGS? How about surrogacy? Adoption? These are all questions that you must ask yourself as you seek treatment and decide what treatment options are right for you. It's an extremely personal decision. If you open up with others about your journey, you will most likely have to answer these same questions while also explaining why you made those choices. For many infertile couples, they don't want to share all of this with others. It's just too much private information that they would rather keep to themselves.

Reason #3
Fear

What if treatment fails? What if I can never have a child? These questions are based on fear, and it's hard for us to ask ourselves these questions. It's so easy to get stuck in a feeling of hopelessness. And if our fears come true, do we really want to share our failures with everyone? It's very intimidating. Especially for those who are afraid of having a miscarriage, which I think is most of us, are we ready to share that if it were to happen? For some, the grief of losing a pregnancy is too difficult to deal with and they decide they don't want to risk having to share that experience with others.

Reason #4
Judgment

Infertility is a hot topic. Everyone has an opinion, and usually it's not a well-researched opinion. So they will judge you no matter what you do. They will give advice without really understanding the issues. And once you start treatment, those judgments may only get worse. Especially with IVF, which is such a frequently debated topic. "Aren't you playing God?" "Maybe you were never meant to be parents." "IVF is immoral." "Infertile people just need to adopt." etc...As much as I hate typing those phrases, I have come across similar comments on other blogs or news articles about IVF. The people making these comments are ignorant. They may not be bad people, but they are definitely ignorant when it comes to infertility. And many infertile couples decide they don't want to deal with that kind of judgment while they're going through one of the most stressful experiences of their lives.

Reason #5
Protection

Sometimes an infertile couple aren't always on the same page about what to share and what not to share when it comes to their infertility journey. Maybe one would like to be open and share everything, while the other would prefer to keep things private and just isn't comfortable with anyone knowing what's going on. So they keep it a secret, to protect the partner who decides it's just too private to share with anyone.

For some, it's difficult to overcome any of these reasons and they decide never to share their journey. Or maybe, they share it in anonymously on a blog or Twitter account. In my opinion, sharing anonymously is better than not sharing anything at all. I will talk about this and the reason I decided to share everything in Part 2 of this series.

What are some of the reasons you've decided to keep your journey a secret?