Tuesday, October 1, 2013


I was a good girl and waited until 14dpo to test. I was on vacation in California with some friends but I figured that I might as well test and get it over with. To be honest, I've never been more scared to take a pregnancy test. We just had so much hope, faith, prayers, and money that was put into this that if it failed would mean it was all for nothing. I waited for our friends to leave the room and then I quickly snuck into the bathroom. After taking the test, I held it in my hand as I said one last prayer, asking for this pain to finally be taken from me and replaced with the joy of finally being pregnant. After the 3 minutes was up I looked down and the test was stark white, negative. My first thought was "How do I tell Daniel?" I know how hopeful he was for this to work. I hesitated as I started to cry. Finally, I walked out of the bathroom in tears and Daniel came to me and held me as I sobbed, my entire body shaking. He asked what was wrong and I told him. He silently held me while I let the tears flow. And finally he told me how much he loves me. 

When I stopped crying I started to feel anger. Anger towards God for putting me through this. For all of the unanswered prayers. For the false hope. For denying my husband the opportunity to be a father. It was all for nothing. And then I wondered, "why?" Is God trying to break me down, shatter my hopes, and prevent me from having the one thing I wish for most of all? What did I do to have to struggle so hard for a child? Why is my womb still empty after 2 1/2 years?

I think anyone going through IUI or IVF must feel this way after a failed cycle. I mean, how could it NOT work when everything went so smoothly? I knew from the start there was no guarantee, but I knew this was the closest we've come to conceiving and it still didn't work.

I feel like we're losing battle after battle with no end in sight. I'm lucky to have a husband who is so supportive and is able to deal with my moments of grief without making me feel ashamed or guilty. It just makes me so sad knowing that I still can't give him a child.

So after much thought I decided I will be moving forward with a 2nd surgery for my septum, hopefully to remove the entire thing this time. I don't want to pursue any more fertility treatments until that is taken care of.

And honestly, I need a break. I've been so obsessed with TTC that it's hard for me to find joy in life anymore. I can't continue down this road the way that I've been feeling. So while I wait to get a surgery scheduled I think we'll take that time to try to reconnect and hopefully I can find my happiness again. So it looks like it will be 2014 before we actively start trying again.

I'm going to try to schedule my septum surgery in November or December since I've almost met my deductible for the year. It sucks that it will be during the holiday season but hopefully we can do it during a normal week. I will still update here with any new developments with my next surgery. Good luck to all you other ladies out there and I hope you get your BFP very soon!

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