“Extra!” Review and Giveaway!!!

Our stories are unique. We've experienced a different path to parenthood than most. Whether it’s through IVF, IUI, Clomid, or adoption, our journeys are strife with obstacles and long waits. And I think, no, I know, that it changes who we become as parents. These precious gifts, bundles of joy and answered prayers, are special. And as their parents, we want our children to understand just how special they are. That their unique beginning was marked with years of challenges, waiting, prayers, and wishes on stars. They are here because we never gave up and we took every chance we could. They’re special because it took a little extra to get them here. 

A fellow blogger and infertility priestess (yes it's a thing!), Kaeleigh MacDonald, just wrote a book about this topic. It’s a children’s book titled “Extra” and it’s one of my new favorites! One thing I really love about her book is that it explains this all to a child in a way that’s easy for them to understand, without causing any confusion. And it’s also a great catalyst for discussions or for your child to ask questions about their beginning.

As an adoptive mom, I try to find children’s books that touch on adoption or families that don’t fit the usual mold. And Kaeleigh's book does a beautiful job of celebrating all types of families, including adoptive families. And this is why I love it so much. I think it's so important for my daughter to understand that her story is special and unique, and that makes her so very special too. Maybe even, EXTRA special. :)

Kaeleigh was kind enough to send me a copy of her book for a giveaway!!! So before you go to Amazon to make a purchase, put your name into the hat for a free copy.  ;)

Kaeleigh's blog tour started on January 22nd, and she kicked it off on her blog, Unpregnant Chicken. There will be new posts each day, so make sure to follow along here!

Now on to the giveaway!

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Strength and Vulnerability

I'm in a weird place right now. It's been over 3 years, and I'm not going to say it gets easier. In fact, as time passes I find myself having to make tougher decisions. Decisions that I thought I would never have to make. But I'm making them. I'm weighing the pros and cons. I'm asking myself "am I okay with this?" and my answers surprise me.

When I first started this journey, the idea of seeing a fertility specialist scared me. I didn't want to admit that I was in the minority of couples that would need a doctor to help us conceive a child. But I got over that. Next I was very anxious about doing an IUI. I had to give up the idea of conception as the magical moment between husband and wife, and instead accept it as something that happens in a doctors office, laying on a table with a nurse all up in my nether regions. But I accepted that too.

And now that we've decided to do IVF, I have surprised myself yet again. A year ago, I thought that IVF was the ultimate resignation from my dream of conceiving a child with my husband. Instead, it will happen in a lab, in a petri dish. That idea still bothers me to some extent. No girl dreams of conceiving their first born in a lab. Most of us dream about it happening on our honeymoon, or on a dream vacation, or even in the comfort of our home while wrapped in the arms of our husbands.

The moral and ethical dilemma of "playing God" still plays out in my head. But I can't help but feel that this is the path we are meant to take. I know in my heart that Daniel and I are meant to be parents, and that may not happen on it's own. We are lucky to live in a society where fertility treatments are available, and to live in a city where we have an abundance of clinics that we can research to find the best fit for our needs.

I'm happy with our decision, and even excited. I think that IVF will probably be one of the hardest things I will ever go through, both emotionally and physically. But it will be SO worth it. To finally have a baby with Daniel, I would give up just about anything.

And it's that strength that has surprised me in the last month. The ability to make that hard decision to move forward with something that will force us to make some sacrifices. We are sacrificing the idea of having a natural conception, as well as our finances. But at this point on my journey, those are sacrifices I am willing to make, just for a chance to have a child.

But at the same moment, I find myself completely vulnerable. What if IVF doesn't work? There are no guarantees and I know several women who have walked away from this journey empty handed and grieving for the loss of a dream. I remember how heartbroken I was after our first IUI failed. I little piece of me died that day. It was terrible. And I think to experience that same heartbreak after a round of IVF will multiply that feeling of devastation ten fold.

It's that vulnerability that defines this struggle, because nothing we do is ever guaranteed to work. We are taking a risk with every treatment. We are gambling our finances, hope, and even our sanity that a healthy baby will be the outcome. And with odds around 50%, we have an equal chance to fail as we do to succeed.

But I'm still going to do it. Because moving forward is the only option for me. I will do whatever it takes. And this is what the journey of infertility is all about. Discovering how badly you want something, and what you are willing to give up to get it.

A Big Decision

I know some of you are anxiously awaiting my husband's recent Semen Analysis (SA) results, but unfortunately I don't have them yet! I've called the clinic 4 times and finally they told Daniel that he has to make an appointment with the Urologist before he can get the results. I don't know if that's a good or a bad sign. But hopefully he can get an appointment soon because I'm very anxious to get his updated stats.

On another note, while we've been in limbo waiting for Daniel's results, I can't help but feel that we'll get more bad news. Or at least, not the news we were hoping for. We were hoping for this surgery to be the "miracle" event that turned everything around and would allow us to conceive naturally. After over 3 years of disappointments and bad news, I'm preparing myself to hear that there's no significant change.

Last week I went to another Fertility Specialist (not my usual RE, he left the practice so I met with someone new). I was there to refill a prescription but the appointment turned into something else. He wanted to know what our plan was if the new SA results were not what we are hoping for. He said that we could continue to do IUI's, but with a very low morphology the chance of conception would be about 7% per cycle. If we continued trying naturally, the chances would be about 3%.... What?! When we did the IUI last year I was told we had about a 25% chance, thus why we did it. I'm not sure if these statistics are accurate but it was concerning to hear a doctor tell me that.

To get to the point, I asked the doctor what our chances would be with IVF. He said 50-60%. He told me that he would absolutely recommend we go this route if Daniel's results haven't significantly improved. He said we would have a very good chance given our situation and my age. We then discussed the process, cost, financing, how many eggs they would expect to get from me, what we would do if it didn't work, etc. And I started to feel more comfortable with the notion, but I knew this is something I would need to talk to Daniel about.

So that night over dinner, Daniel and I discussed IVF. I told him the cost would be about $15,000, but with a 50-60% chance, we have very good odds. Is it worth the cost? Absolutely! We desperately want a family of our own, and it would be SO worth it.

After much deliberation, we made a decision. We are going to start saving as much as we can for IVF. If I'm still not pregnant by Thanksgiving (6 months from now), then we will start the process for IVF at the end of the year, or early 2015 depending on timing of things. We hope to save up at least half of the amount we need, and then we will have to finance the rest.

This plan gives us plenty of time in case we do miraculously conceive on our own, in which case the money we are saving can go towards the pregnancy and birth. But if I'm still not pregnant, I don't want to continue waiting for a miracle. Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions and take action to make that miracle happen.

I'm actually really excited about this plan! I feel that we have a very good chance with IVF, and that this decision brings us one step closer to our soul baby. If you want to learn more about IVF, click here.

Thoughts? Advice? Suggestions for raising money? Feel free to comment!

The Cost of Infertility

Resolve to know more about infertility...

www.resolve.org/niaw

Infertility is honestly one of the hardest things I've had to go through in life. Infertility is a trauma. It's a silent and invisible disease that most people don't understand. And it involves one of life's major rites of passage; becoming a parent. For most people, this happens without even thinking about it. They get pregnant with no planning or forethought. It just happens.

For the other 10% of couples, it doesn't "just happen". Many of us deal with hormone imbalances that can't be cured through "relaxing". Some of us have physical issues, like septums, blocked tubes, or endometriosis, that all require invasive surgery to correct. And to top it all off, most insurance plans don't cover ANYTHING related to infertility. So what are our options?

We can chose to live life child-free. This is the most heartbreaking option, because for some it's not a choice. We can pay thousands of dollars for treatment that may or may not work. Or we can just "wait and see" with our fingers crossed that we conceive naturally. For some couples, they will eventually conceive on their own. But for many, the only options are Advanced Reproductive Technologies (ART).

ART includes IUI, IVF, or surrogacy. IUI is the cheapest, but can still take a chunk from your wallet depending on meds. My IUI last year cost us about $1,000. IVF can cost about $15,000 per fresh cycle, plus the cost of meds. And then there's surrogacy. With a surrogate, you would need to do IVF,  plus pay for agency fees, attorney's fees, screening and surrogate fees, and medical and insurance costs, all of which could add up to $80,000 to $120,000. 

What about adoption? Well, that's not an easy decision to make. Personally, I'm not ready to give up having biological children. And financially, we just couldn't afford adoption. It could cost anywhere from $20,000 to $40,000, or more, to adopt a child. In addition to the financial cost, you must also consider the emotional risk. What if the birth mom changes her mind? Or what if you don't meet the standards for adoption because you are not very religious or your home doesn't meet requirements? It can be just as heartbreaking as a failed IVF cycle.

My point is this: when dealing with infertility, you are faced with one of the most difficult decisions in your life. How will I become a parent? The answer is different for everybody. Most couples never have to struggle with this question. But those who do find themselves at a crossroads, with hard choices that can lead them down a path of debt, disappointment, or both. 

In addition to the financial cost of infertility, there is an emotional one as well. Infertility is one of the most challenging and emotionally traumatic experiences of our lives. It has changed me forever. And when we finally get the family we've dreamed of, whether by chance, ART, or adoption, all of the pain and uncertainty will be worth it. The scariest part, though, is not knowing if we will ever get to that point. Not knowing if we will ever be a mother and father. Not knowing how much longer we will have to wait. But with that uncertainty is a glimmer of hope that life might eventually feel complete.

This is why there is a need for legislation to support the infertility community. The costs of ART alone can prevent some couples from becoming parents. Shouldn't everyone have a choice to get treatment? Many of the issues that cause infertility are no different from a thyroid disorder or birth defect that are covered by insurance, so why is infertility alone a reason to deny coverage? It's not fair and it's wrong. We need support to get through this, and the financial aspect is the most daunting and difficult part for many of us without coverage. We have got to speak up and have our voices heard, that's the only way we can promote change and make a difference in the lives of the infertiles who come after us. I look forward to the day when infertile couples have options that are covered by insurance and have an equal opportunity to seek the treatment they need to become parents.

Helpful links:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

IUI#1 = FAIL

I was a good girl and waited until 14dpo to test. I was on vacation in California with some friends but I figured that I might as well test and get it over with. To be honest, I've never been more scared to take a pregnancy test. We just had so much hope, faith, prayers, and money that was put into this that if it failed would mean it was all for nothing. I waited for our friends to leave the room and then I quickly snuck into the bathroom. After taking the test, I held it in my hand as I said one last prayer, asking for this pain to finally be taken from me and replaced with the joy of finally being pregnant. After the 3 minutes was up I looked down and the test was stark white, negative. My first thought was "How do I tell Daniel?" I know how hopeful he was for this to work. I hesitated as I started to cry. Finally, I walked out of the bathroom in tears and Daniel came to me and held me as I sobbed, my entire body shaking. He asked what was wrong and I told him. He silently held me while I let the tears flow. And finally he told me how much he loves me. 

When I stopped crying I started to feel anger. Anger towards God for putting me through this. For all of the unanswered prayers. For the false hope. For denying my husband the opportunity to be a father. It was all for nothing. And then I wondered, "why?" Is God trying to break me down, shatter my hopes, and prevent me from having the one thing I wish for most of all? What did I do to have to struggle so hard for a child? Why is my womb still empty after 2 1/2 years?

I think anyone going through IUI or IVF must feel this way after a failed cycle. I mean, how could it NOT work when everything went so smoothly? I knew from the start there was no guarantee, but I knew this was the closest we've come to conceiving and it still didn't work.

I feel like we're losing battle after battle with no end in sight. I'm lucky to have a husband who is so supportive and is able to deal with my moments of grief without making me feel ashamed or guilty. It just makes me so sad knowing that I still can't give him a child.

So after much thought I decided I will be moving forward with a 2nd surgery for my septum, hopefully to remove the entire thing this time. I don't want to pursue any more fertility treatments until that is taken care of.

And honestly, I need a break. I've been so obsessed with TTC that it's hard for me to find joy in life anymore. I can't continue down this road the way that I've been feeling. So while I wait to get a surgery scheduled I think we'll take that time to try to reconnect and hopefully I can find my happiness again. So it looks like it will be 2014 before we actively start trying again.

I'm going to try to schedule my septum surgery in November or December since I've almost met my deductible for the year. It sucks that it will be during the holiday season but hopefully we can do it during a normal week. I will still update here with any new developments with my next surgery. Good luck to all you other ladies out there and I hope you get your BFP very soon!

Testing Out My Trigger

Since this cycle is the first time I've ever used a trigger, I wanted to test it out just to see how long it took my body to process it. If you recall, I took 5,000 iu of Pregnyl on 9/13/13.

Today is 9/23/13 (10dpt / 8dpo) and the trigger has finally left my system. Here's a photo of the progression:

In a way, I'm sad to see that the trigger is gone. For someone like me who has never had a positive pregnancy test, there is something comforting about seeing a positive even knowing that it's not real.

I don't plan on testing again until 14 or 15 dpo. I'm going on a trip to San Diego this weekend and I would hate for a BFN to totally kill the mood. Then again I don't know if I have the self control to wait that long. Either way I will post with the results by next Monday!! Wish me luck!!!

My IUI Experience

I was VERY nervous for my IUI this morning. I just wasn't sure what to expect; I've read about it of course and I know how the procedure is done, but since it was my first time I think it's natural to feel anxious about it. Plus we didn't know what to expect with the semen sample since Daniel has been taking Clomid. We assumed it would improve somewhat but we were prepared to see between 5-10 million post wash.

Daniel went in for his appointment at 8:00 and once he provided his "sample" we left to get some breakfast. We drove to a restaurant just a mile from the doctor's office and I had eggs and potatoes. I couldn't eat much since I was so nervous! We were done with that by 9:00 and drove back to the clinic since my appointment was scheduled for 9:30.

There were 4 other couples in the waiting room, which surprised me since it was a Sunday morning. But I assumed all of us were either IUI or IVF patients. 9:30 came and went and I figured they were running a little behind which was fine. By about 9:45 we finally got called back by a nurse named Karen. I hadn't met her before but she was very friendly. She took us to a little exam room and I was surprised not to see an ultrasound machine there. For some reason I thought they would be doing an ultrasound at the same time as the IUI.

The nurse showed us Daniel's sample in a vial and we both had to confirm that it was his by the label. She told us that we had 84 million total motile sperm! I was in shock! The Clomid must have really helped him. Then she put the sample in a syringe that was attached to a long catheter. She explained that she would insert the catheter through the cervix and that I would probably feel some cramping since the uterus isn't used to having that much liquid inserted in it.

After inserting the speculum the nurse had a hard time reaching my cervix so she "adjusted" things so she could access it better. Then she inserted the catheter and blew up a small balloon against the cervix to prevent the liquid from spilling right back out. I was cramping a lot at this point and very uncomfortable, but this wasn't nearly as bad as an HSG. It lasted about 5-6 minutes. After the nurse removed the catheter and the speculum I was still cramping a bit but not as much as before. She set a timer for 20 minutes and put a pillow beneath my hips and asked me to rest until the timer went off. After that we were free to go!

After getting home I have been laying on the couch relaxing. I still feel crampy but it's slowly getting better. So overall it wasn't a bad experience and Daniel and I were both very happy with the sperm count. I am hoping and praying that we'll get pregnant from this so the next 2 weeks I'm going to believe that we did and try to surround myself with positivity. I'll be testing out my trigger and I'll know whether the IUI was successful by the end of September. Fingers crossed I finally get my BFP!!!

Follicle Scan and 1st Trigger Shot!

Yesterday was CD14 and I went in the morning to get my follicle scan and schedule my first IUI. I was very nervous because I've never been monitored like this so really didn't know what to expect. So Dr. J started out checking my follicle sizes and I had a 33mm follicle on my right ovary! I asked, "Is that normal?" and he responded "Well I'm glad we didn't have you taking more than 25mg of Clomid! That's a King Kong follicle!" LOL! He did warn me there is a risk of the follicle turning into a cyst because of it's large size but that I should still ovulate from it this cycle.

Okay, so the 33mm (aka King Kong) is the major player this cycle. But I also had a 17, 15, and a 12 on my left ovary. Dr. J said there is potential for the 17 and the 15 to release an egg as well. He explained the chance for triplets is very low, at about 1%. I'm a little worried about the thought of twins, but I think it's something we can work with.

Next he checked my lining and it was 7.55 in the lower part of the uterus and 7.7 in the "septal region" as he called it. I'm hoping it thickens up a few more mm's by the time of my IUI but he seemed fine with it.

Because that follicle is so ginormous, Dr. J only wanted me to do half a trigger this time. The trigger he prescribed originally was 10,000 miu of Pregnyl (HCG) so he asked me to just do 5,000 instead. So last night at 11:30 my poor husband had to give me the shot. I prepped it for him and all he had to do was give me the shot. He was so good about it! I'm glad he doesn't have the same issues with needles as I do otherwise I'm not sure I could have given myself the shot. I will be testing out the trigger since this is my first time having one; I want to know how quickly my body metabolizes the HCG.

I will also be starting progesterone suppositories (yay!) on Wednesday or Thursday next week (3dpo) and will be taking them until I get AF or if I'm pregnant continue taking them until I'm about 12 weeks along. I'm so glad I will finally be taking progesterone! It's something I thought was an issue since about 6 months of TTC so I hope to continue using it every cycle if it solves my spotting issues.

Since everything looked good we scheduled our IUI for tomorrow morning, Sunday September 15th! I'm really excited and nervous at the same time. I just have such high hopes for this to work and I'm going to try my best to think positive during my 2 week wait. I know that I only have a 25% chance to get pregnant from this so we are prepared to do multiple IUI's if needed, but it would be so wonderful if it worked the first time! So please send positive thoughts and prayers for me! I will definitely need them tomorrow!

Baseline scan for IUI #1

So we are finally moving forward with IUI this cycle, if all goes to plan. I had my baseline scan today and no major issues came up. There was some kind of cyst or something on my left ovary, it just looked like a white line and he said it's probably something left over from a prior ovulation and will probably go away on it's own. On my right ovary I had a follicle measuring 12mm. He seemed surprised at this and I hope it's not a bad sign! Is it too early to develop a follicle of that size?

My RE was hesitant to move forward with IUI without getting an updated SA from Daniel so he'll be scheduling that for later this week just to be sure his numbers haven't changed much (if they have I hope it's a positive change!). Then he gave me a script for 25 mg of Clomid to take CD4-8.

So if nothing has changed with Daniel, or if there have been improvements, then we should be good to go for the IUI. As long as that folly of mine doesn't grow to be a cyst or something! I wish that we could afford another mid-cycle ultrasound around CD10 to check up on it but unfortunately we can't and will have to wait until CD14 for our follicle check. CD14 sounds a little late but historically I've ovulated on CD15-16 when taking Clomid so hopefully my body doesn't go crazy and ovulate early on me. I'll be using OPK's and was told to call them if I surge prior to my appointment so we can move up the IUI if needed.

I have to say that I left the appointment feeling very unsure of this whole thing. What if Daniel's sperm has gotten worse? What if that 12mm follicle I have develops into a cyst? What if the timing is all off? I keep thinking of the worst case scenario and I would be so bummed if they had to cancel this cycle for any of these reasons. I'm going to try my best to stay positive and I'll be praying that everything works out and we finally get our BFP!!! So if you can, please say a prayer for me that this all works out for us. I'm so tired of waiting to start a family. After 2 and half years of hoping, we just want this journey to have a happy ending already.

A 2nd Opinion

Today I saw a new RE, Dr. J, for a 2nd opinion. My last RE, Dr. T, basically said that our only chance would be with IVF. We are not ready for that yet, financially or emotionally. So I wanted to see what another RE would say about our situation. Luckily I found a practice that offered a free 2nd opinion, so I figured I have nothing to lose!

First thing he said was that I have textbook charts which show that I am ovulating regularly, but I knew that already. He also said that he would supplement with progesterone since he does that with most of his patients anyway as a precaution. You can't have too much progesterone after ovulation, so why not supplement to improve the luteal phase. He didn't seem too worried about my spotting problems but at least is willing to give me some progesterone which is an improvement over Dr. T. He also said we can do an IUI as early as next cycle, I will just need to call in on CD1 to get the first ultrasound scheduled.

I do have a few worries though since he brought up my septum. During the ultrasound he measured it to be about 2 cm in length. He suggested that I see a specialist to determine whether it's worth having a 2nd surgery or not. So Dr. T didn't think I would need a 2nd surgery, Dr. J is on the fence, and I really don't want one. I'm just stressing about this because what if I miscarry? Then all that time and money spent on an IUI would be wasted and I would end up getting the surgery anyway. But what if the egg implants somewhere other than the septum? Then I would likely have a successful pregnancy. I'm not sure what my odds are either way but I have to have a little faith at this point.

So I think we're going to move forward with our first IUI next cycle and pray that it works on the first try! That may be naive of me but I'm just ready to try something new; 29 months is a long time to wait for those 2 pink lines to show up. These next 6 or 7 weeks will be a test of my faith, but I'm going to try my hardest to stay positive and pray for a miracle! FX!!!