Listen Up!: For Waiting Mothers

Image Courtesy of Elton Harding on Flickr

Motherhood is complicated.

It's messy, stressful, and difficult. And it can also be very lonely.  Especially for those mothers who are still waiting for their children.

Do you remember the Friend's episode, when Chandler is talking about Monica and their struggle to start a family?  He says "She's a mother, without a baby."

So many mothers, and fathers, are in this position. They know in their heart that they are already a mother or father. They have made space. They have carved out a section of their heart and soul for a baby that hasn't yet come.

And waiting to fill that space is one of the most painful things anyone can endure.

I adopted my daughter last year after 5 years of infertility. I wondered, would I be surprised? Would the love I felt be something brand new?

For me, it wasn't. It was profound and deep and wonderful and so beautiful, but I was not surprised by it. And I think I know why.

I had loved her all along.  I had been waiting for her.  My heart had a space just for her, waiting to be filled.  And once she came, and my heart filled up, it wasn't new. The love was there all along. It just finally had somewhere to go.

And this is what made infertility so painful for me. I had so much love to give. I had opened up so much of my heart for this child, and the waiting and wondering if she would ever come was the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

I hate that so many of my friends, and those in the infertility community, are still in limbo. Wondering if their love will have somewhere to go. If they will ever be fulfilled. If their heart will ever feel whole again.

What kills me is knowing that for some, it won't. Infertility treatment is so expensive and draining in every sense. Adoption is even more expensive. For many families, their desire to have a child is completely dependent on the size of their bank account, and this is heartbreaking.

Families are important. These mothers and fathers without a child are important. Their story matters. Their pain matters. And unfortunately it's a fact that infertility is often seen as an "optional" state.

But it's not optional for us to want a child. It's inherent. It's in our culture and DNA. It's a huge part of who we are and who we hope to become. And neglecting that part of ourselves will only cause pain, depression, and isolation.

So, it's time to Listen Up. Affordable infertility treatment, adoption tax incentives, and access to healthcare are all critical for our families. And we have the power to change this. Call your local Senator. Talk to your employer. Ask them to listen, because what you have to say is important and meaningful and will have an impact not just for yourself, but for the thousands of waiting parents with an incomplete heart.

For more information, please visit http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/

You Are Not Alone

You are NOT alone. Although infertility does a good job of contributing to a feeling of isolation and loneliness. But it's far from reality. One in 8 couples (or 12 percent of married women) have trouble getting pregnant. And so many of these women (and men) suffer in silence. The problem is, their silence is often contributing to their feeling of loneliness. There is a huge community out there, both in "real life" and online that is centered around infertility and pregnancy loss. You are definitely not alone. But how do you find these communities?

In Person

Even though most of us regularly visit fertility clinics for testing or treatments, we fail to make any connections there. We sit in the waiting room with other women who are there for the same reason, but it's so rare for anyone to speak to each other or even to make eye contact. Infertility has such a stigma that it prevents us from reaching out in person. You may want to respect others privacy, but in doing so you may feel even more isolated and alone. This is why finding a local support group is a great way to meet others who want to talk openly about their journey.

Check out the Resolve website for a listing of support groups in your area. If there aren't any, you can create one! Also, there may be other community support groups that focus on infertility. But the best way to find them is to go online and search.

Online

The internet is a big place. There are support groups all over the place online, you just have to know where to find them. A good place to start is Facebook. You're on there multiple times a day anyway, why not use it for support? Then there's Twitter, Instagram, and boards on Babycenter, The Bump, and many other blogs and websites that allow infertile women and men to come together for support and information. Check them all out to see which one may be the best fit for you.

Find Your Tribe

Because there are so many places to find support, it can be difficult to find a place where you really feel that you belong. I call this your "tribe." Once you find your tribe, you will be overwhelmed by the support and friendships that you make there. It is the single most important thing you can do for yourself and for your sanity while struggling with infertility. Finding a support group where you feel safe and welcomed is an incredible way to cope with the stresses and challenges that only those facing infertility can understand. Your tribe may change or grow with time, but you will find that some of the connections you've made turn into lifelong friendships.

Speak Up

The single best way to find support is to share your story. You may feel that you're the only one in your family or in your group of friends who is struggling with this. But odds are that you're not. It's just that no one talks about it. But once you start sharing your journey and speaking up, you'll be surprised when others start reaching out to you privately to share their struggles or to ask questions. You're not just making connections, little by little you are helping to remove the stigma surrounding infertility. There is no shame in something you can't control. Infertility is a disease, and it's isolating because it's so misunderstood.

The BEST way to get support, is to give support. You have to reach out to others, share your story, and interact with the community in order to get support back. It's no different than real life. Like most friendships, it's not a one-way street. You have to open both lines of communication. And once you do, you'll be amazed by the support you'll receive from this community. We have to stick together if we are to combat the shame and stigma that surround infertility. We have to support one another and lift each other up, to raise our voices and unite. Because no one with infertility should walk alone.

This post was submitted to the Bloggers Unite Challenge. For more information, click here.

Additional Resources:

http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

The Cost of Infertility

Resolve to know more about infertility...

www.resolve.org/niaw

Infertility is honestly one of the hardest things I've had to go through in life. Infertility is a trauma. It's a silent and invisible disease that most people don't understand. And it involves one of life's major rites of passage; becoming a parent. For most people, this happens without even thinking about it. They get pregnant with no planning or forethought. It just happens.

For the other 10% of couples, it doesn't "just happen". Many of us deal with hormone imbalances that can't be cured through "relaxing". Some of us have physical issues, like septums, blocked tubes, or endometriosis, that all require invasive surgery to correct. And to top it all off, most insurance plans don't cover ANYTHING related to infertility. So what are our options?

We can chose to live life child-free. This is the most heartbreaking option, because for some it's not a choice. We can pay thousands of dollars for treatment that may or may not work. Or we can just "wait and see" with our fingers crossed that we conceive naturally. For some couples, they will eventually conceive on their own. But for many, the only options are Advanced Reproductive Technologies (ART).

ART includes IUI, IVF, or surrogacy. IUI is the cheapest, but can still take a chunk from your wallet depending on meds. My IUI last year cost us about $1,000. IVF can cost about $15,000 per fresh cycle, plus the cost of meds. And then there's surrogacy. With a surrogate, you would need to do IVF,  plus pay for agency fees, attorney's fees, screening and surrogate fees, and medical and insurance costs, all of which could add up to $80,000 to $120,000. 

What about adoption? Well, that's not an easy decision to make. Personally, I'm not ready to give up having biological children. And financially, we just couldn't afford adoption. It could cost anywhere from $20,000 to $40,000, or more, to adopt a child. In addition to the financial cost, you must also consider the emotional risk. What if the birth mom changes her mind? Or what if you don't meet the standards for adoption because you are not very religious or your home doesn't meet requirements? It can be just as heartbreaking as a failed IVF cycle.

My point is this: when dealing with infertility, you are faced with one of the most difficult decisions in your life. How will I become a parent? The answer is different for everybody. Most couples never have to struggle with this question. But those who do find themselves at a crossroads, with hard choices that can lead them down a path of debt, disappointment, or both. 

In addition to the financial cost of infertility, there is an emotional one as well. Infertility is one of the most challenging and emotionally traumatic experiences of our lives. It has changed me forever. And when we finally get the family we've dreamed of, whether by chance, ART, or adoption, all of the pain and uncertainty will be worth it. The scariest part, though, is not knowing if we will ever get to that point. Not knowing if we will ever be a mother and father. Not knowing how much longer we will have to wait. But with that uncertainty is a glimmer of hope that life might eventually feel complete.

This is why there is a need for legislation to support the infertility community. The costs of ART alone can prevent some couples from becoming parents. Shouldn't everyone have a choice to get treatment? Many of the issues that cause infertility are no different from a thyroid disorder or birth defect that are covered by insurance, so why is infertility alone a reason to deny coverage? It's not fair and it's wrong. We need support to get through this, and the financial aspect is the most daunting and difficult part for many of us without coverage. We have got to speak up and have our voices heard, that's the only way we can promote change and make a difference in the lives of the infertiles who come after us. I look forward to the day when infertile couples have options that are covered by insurance and have an equal opportunity to seek the treatment they need to become parents.

Helpful links:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html