How to be a Hopeful Pessimist

In my natural state, I am a pessimist. Through and through. I always have been, and most of the time I prepare myself for the worst case scenarios. I've always been convinced that it's better to expect the worst outcome, so that way I won't be disappointed. It's like a defense mechanism; if I don't get my hopes up, I'm less likely to get hurt.

But, I've learned that I can get hurt regardless of whether or not I have hoped for a positive outcome. Bad things are going to happen in life, but if we constantly expect bad to happen, aren't we attracting more negativity? This relates to the laws of attraction, which I'm not a huge fan of, but maybe some of it is true. When I feel hopeful, I'm happier. And don't we all deserve to be happy?

So, is hope really such a bad thing? I think a lot of us in this community have a love/hate relationship with hope. Because when you have too much, it's scary. You have so much more to lose. But without hope, how can we possibly survive the awful things that life throws our way?

This is why I'm aspiring to become a Hopeful Pessimist. You might be wondering, "is that even a thing?"

Yes, my friend. It is. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe I am...It's NOT easy and will take a lot of effort, but it's possible. And I truly think it will be worth the effort. Here's how to do it:

1) Let go of expectation/comparison

I wrote a post about this recently, and it's still something I struggle with. Expectations and comparisons can be very stressful. It's extremely difficult to deal with comparison when your dreams aren't coming true. Or to handle a disappointment when your expectations don't match reality. But when you hold on to hope, those comparisons or expectations won't hurt so much because you're focused on the possibility that you can still reach your happy ending.

2) Practice gratitude daily

EVERY SINGLE DAY. Add it to your calendar, add a reminder on your phone, whatever you need to do to turn this practice into a habit. Take at least 5-10 minutes a day to think of all the things you are grateful for. Better yet, make a list! This practice helps us to focus on the positive aspects of our life and avoid the perception that the sky is falling.

3) Make a conscious decision to HOPE

When you start to feel depressed or discouraged, try your best to change your thinking. This takes a lot of effort sometimes, but force yourself to think of a positive outcome. Visualize your dreams coming true, and imagine how it will feel. Then, repeat the next time those negative thoughts enter your mind.

4) Pray, write, or meditate your heart's desires

Choose one of the above and turn this into a daily habit as well. For me, prayer is the easiest and the most calming option for me. I'm not particularly religious, but praying to God or to a higher power can be extremely helpful. This also allows you to put some positive energy out into the universe. But if you'd prefer to write it down, that's great too! Journaling, blogging, or even drawing can be immensely helpful.

6) Make small goals, and celebrate each one 

Sometimes life gets really hard and there are a million things standing between you and your dreams. This is when you need to take baby steps. Every time you reach a goal, even something as simple as making an appointment, give yourself some kudos. You deserve it! And each small accomplishment will help you to feel the strength to achieve the next.

7) Remember that you are loved and deserve happiness

This is the most important. I personally have a really hard time with this one, and have felt punished or undeserving of joy. But it's not the truth! This is the depression talking and each one of us deserves to be happy. There is nothing that you have done or could ever do that would change that. You are loved and important and deserve to feel peace and happiness.

Like I said, this takes a lot of effort and it will be something I have to focus on daily. But living as a pessimist just isn't working for me anymore. It has lead to depression and fear of bad things happening to me or my loved ones. And I don't want to be the constant worrier or the Debbie Downer anymore.  I feel that a little bit of hope will lead to a happier, healthier life, and for the first time in a while I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me.

Would you categorize yourself as an optimist, realist, or a pessimist?  Let me know in the comments below!

Standing Still

Photo courtesy of Michael Matti on Flickr

One of the most difficult things to accept is how your life is instead of how you dreamed it to be.

We all grow up with plans. Plans to go to college and get your dream job, get married, have a family. Sometimes those plans work out, but sometimes they don’t. And when it comes to something big like finding someone to spend your life with, or having children, it can be devastating if that doesn’t work out the way you had hoped, or in the timing that you had anticipated. It shakes you to your core because you now have to reimagine your life. You have to recreate your dreams to match your reality, and it’s depressing. You wonder why others have the “perfect” life but you have had to struggle so much for a life that still feels imperfect.

It’s extremely hard. And it leads to feelings of hopelessness, abandonment, and isolation. Your friends seem to be moving forward with their lives while you are standing still, waiting for something that may never happen.

What I’ve come to realize is that it’s all about perspective. When you stop comparing your life to your dream or to someone else’s reality, and just live in the moment, you can achieve peace and happiness. All we have in life, is this moment, right now. We are not promised anything. We are not guaranteed anything in life. The things we love can be taken from us at any moment. And you know what? That realization has actually lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders.

I have an amazing husband. I have 2 cute furbabies who bring me so much joy. My family is supportive and loving. My friends are funny, kind, and loyal. I have a nice house, and although it isn’t the home of my dreams, it keeps me warm in the winter and cool in the summer. My home shelters me from the wind and the rain. It’s a safe place for me. I have a good job and a reliable vehicle. I have money to pay my bills. There are so many reasons for me to feel grateful and happy with my life as it is, but so often I find myself wanting more.

I’m working at this. It’s not easy and it’s not something that will happen overnight. But I’m working on gratitude and acceptance. Accepting my life as it is, because I have not been promised anything more, and that’s okay. I may not get the family I dreamed about. But then again, maybe I will. And in the meantime I will choose to feel content with the life that I have.

I’m living in the present. And that’s exactly where I need to be.

#GiveThanks: Gratitude

Photo courtesy of marynbtol

Thanksgiving has become more than just 1 day of overeating, stretchy pants, and cranberry stains. It has turned into a month long celebration of thanks and gratitude. It's become the time of year when most of your friends are posting to Facebook every day with something they're thankful for.

I think gratitude is a beautiful thing, but it's also a very challenging thing. Especially when you are fighting something that's difficult and life changing. Sometimes it's hard to see past the challenge and remember that even though we haven't received our heart's desire, we are still blessed in other ways.

I don't have the family that I want, yet. But I do have an amazing family. I'm grateful to my husband who is there for me and supports me in everything I do. He sticks by me even on my darkest days, and I'm so grateful to have such an amazing man to call my husband and best friend.

I'm blessed with an amazing mom and sisters who care about my journey and support me. They are genuinely curious about what I'm going through and want to understand me on a deeper level. And I'm so very lucky to have that. I know a lot of people who don't.

And I'm thankful for the friends I've made and the support I receive from people who I've never even met. These women are there for me in a way that no one else can be, because they are living it just as I am. They know the darkness and they don't shy away from it. They provide a safe haven when I feel like I'm going crazy.

Lastly, I'm thankful for Resolve.org for being a voice in the infertility community to so many women who feel stigmatized and aren't uncomfortable speaking for themselves. Resolve is such an inspiring organization and I hope to volunteer more of my time to further their efforts of advocacy and support.

Gratitude is something I need to work on and to make a conscious effort to remind myself of on a daily basis. I've tried to turn my daily prayers into a list of things I'm grateful for, instead of a list of things I want. It has helped me feel more at peace knowing that even if things don't work out the way I expect them to, I'm still blessed in so many ways.

What are you thankful for this year?

Related Posts:
5 Reasons I'm Grateful for Infertility
#GiveVoice Part 1: Top 5 Reasons Infertiles Keep Their Journey a Secret
#GiveVoice Part 2: Top 5 Reasons You SHOULD Share Your Infertility Journey

5 Reasons I'm Grateful for Infertility

I know what you're thinking. "Why would you be grateful for infertility?!" Don't get me wrong, infertility sucks. I've been dealing with it for almost 3 years now. But with time comes wisdom, and there are a few things (I could only think of 5!) that I can honestly say I'm grateful for in terms of my struggle with infertility. Not all women struggling with this may feel gratitude for these things, and that's okay! If anger is the only emotion you feel, that's okay. But I hope that I can provide a unique perspective with my short list of things to be grateful for during this difficult time.

1. I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about my body
I learned more about my body in the first year or 2 of trying to conceive than I ever did as a student in sex ed. There are just certain things nobody likes to talk about! Such as, cervical mucus! I never realized what that junk was! Or what was considered normal, or even fertile cervical mucus. Now I'm jealous of my younger self and the plentiful CM I used to have!

I've also learned to understand my body in ways I never did before. Through bbt charting and using OPK's I've learned to pinpoint ovulation and come to understand the slight ache or cramp I feel when the egg is released. Prior to infertility, I would have thought it was gas! But now that I've come to know the signs that are unique to my body, I have a much better idea of what those slight feelings or changes in my body represent.

2. The bond between my husband and I has grown stronger
This may not be true for every couple, but infertility has definitely brought me closer together with Daniel. I think a large part of that is we each have something "wrong" with us. So there is no blame. We support one another and understand that it's nobodies fault. And don't get me wrong, blame is never okay when it comes to infertility. But I understand that in some situations that might be a difficult emotion to avoid.

I've also realized just how badly Daniel wants to be a father. He's done multiple blood tests, semen analyses, has taken a multitude of vitamins and supplements, and even had surgery to improve our chances of conceiving. Every now and then I hear about a husband that refuses to get tested, probably out of fear that any negative result would diminish his manhood or something. So I'm very grateful that Daniel has never let that get in the way of our diagnosis or treatment.

3. I've realized just how lucky pregnant women truly are
Had I gotten pregnant within 3 months of trying, I'm sure I would have a VERY different perspective on pregnancy. I believe that this struggle changes us, in some good ways and bad. But fundamentally it changes the way we view pregnancy. Almost every woman dealing with infertility will get frustrated when she hears a pregnant woman complain about her pregnancy, or when she says something like "I wish the baby would come early so I can get this over with". I know women who have lost pregnancies in the 2nd or 3rd trimester. Do you think those women would complain about swollen ankles or back aches if they someday make it to full term and deliver a healthy baby?

When I get pregnant, I'm sure I will find things to complain about. But more than anything, I will be GRATEFUL for the morning sickness. I will be grateful for the aches and pains. For the weight gain and stretch marks. Because all of that means that this struggle will soon come to an end, and that my dream of having a baby is finally coming true.

Infertility definitely puts things in perspective, and I'm sure this is the universal truth: any infertile woman would sacrifice just about anything to achieve pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby full-term.

4. I've met some incredible women dealing with infertility
In February of 2012 I came across a website called Babycenter.com and there I found a community of women at every stage of fertility, infertility, pregnancy, and beyond. I found a group for those dealing with infertility and that was the biggest turning point in this journey for me. I learned SO MUCH from these women! More than I've learned from any doctors. These women not only have researched and lived through it, they give support that only a fellow infertile woman can provide. And it's truly priceless.

5. I've become an advocate for my own health
I've learned that not all doctors know what they're talking about. An OB/GYN is the expert on pregnancy, but are they experts on infertility? In most cases, absolutely not! Things that they would say are "normal" can actually be signs that there is a bigger issue that could potentially prevent a pregnancy.

In my 3 years of TTC, I have seen 1 OB/GYN, 2 fertility specialists, and 1 gynecological surgeon. Through my research and advice from fellow infertiles, I have learned to be my own advocate and not to take everything a doctor says as the truth or as the only way things can be addressed. And this is something that can be transferred to all other areas of my life! Being your own advocate is the BEST way to solve any health issues, especially if you are seeing a doctor that thinks it's "normal" or recommends a treatment plan that you're not comfortable with. Educating yourself is the best solution, and getting a 2nd or 3rd opinion should not be the exception to the rule.


So there you have it! My short list of things to be grateful for when struggling with infertility. Sometimes it's important to see the silver lining, even when you're in the middle of a downpour.