Reflection | 2015

Image courtesy of Pierre Aden on Flickr

I apologize for being so quiet on the blog lately. Between the holidays and work, I just haven't found the time or inspiration to write anything worth reading. Yet, as the year draws to a close, I started thinking about everything that's happened in the past 12 months. And how I've changed so much in such a short period of time.

The phrase "pain changes you" is something I think about often. I find that it's completely true, but that change isn't always bad.

When something awful happens, you somehow find the strength to get through it. You survive, day by day, even when the pain is unbearable. That strength has astounded me.

Looking back on 2015, I don't know how I survived a miscarriage. Or how I managed that while starting a new job simultaneously. But I did. 

My heart had been broken and I'm still trying to piece it back together. I don't think it will ever be completely healed.

But the scars prove something, even if I'm the only one who knows they exist.

I'm stronger and more resilient than I ever thought I could be. And I've learned that when one door closes, another door (or window) will open.

And with that, I'm looking forward to the new year and the possibilities it holds.

My 2016 Wish List

Become a mommy

Volunteer with Resolve

Get a promotion

Visit Ramsey Canyon
Stay overnight at the haunted Jerome Grand Hotel
Visit Hogwarts at Universal Studios California

Write more

Stress less

What are you looking forward to in 2016?

Strength and Vulnerability

I'm in a weird place right now. It's been over 3 years, and I'm not going to say it gets easier. In fact, as time passes I find myself having to make tougher decisions. Decisions that I thought I would never have to make. But I'm making them. I'm weighing the pros and cons. I'm asking myself "am I okay with this?" and my answers surprise me.

When I first started this journey, the idea of seeing a fertility specialist scared me. I didn't want to admit that I was in the minority of couples that would need a doctor to help us conceive a child. But I got over that. Next I was very anxious about doing an IUI. I had to give up the idea of conception as the magical moment between husband and wife, and instead accept it as something that happens in a doctors office, laying on a table with a nurse all up in my nether regions. But I accepted that too.

And now that we've decided to do IVF, I have surprised myself yet again. A year ago, I thought that IVF was the ultimate resignation from my dream of conceiving a child with my husband. Instead, it will happen in a lab, in a petri dish. That idea still bothers me to some extent. No girl dreams of conceiving their first born in a lab. Most of us dream about it happening on our honeymoon, or on a dream vacation, or even in the comfort of our home while wrapped in the arms of our husbands.

The moral and ethical dilemma of "playing God" still plays out in my head. But I can't help but feel that this is the path we are meant to take. I know in my heart that Daniel and I are meant to be parents, and that may not happen on it's own. We are lucky to live in a society where fertility treatments are available, and to live in a city where we have an abundance of clinics that we can research to find the best fit for our needs.

I'm happy with our decision, and even excited. I think that IVF will probably be one of the hardest things I will ever go through, both emotionally and physically. But it will be SO worth it. To finally have a baby with Daniel, I would give up just about anything.

And it's that strength that has surprised me in the last month. The ability to make that hard decision to move forward with something that will force us to make some sacrifices. We are sacrificing the idea of having a natural conception, as well as our finances. But at this point on my journey, those are sacrifices I am willing to make, just for a chance to have a child.

But at the same moment, I find myself completely vulnerable. What if IVF doesn't work? There are no guarantees and I know several women who have walked away from this journey empty handed and grieving for the loss of a dream. I remember how heartbroken I was after our first IUI failed. I little piece of me died that day. It was terrible. And I think to experience that same heartbreak after a round of IVF will multiply that feeling of devastation ten fold.

It's that vulnerability that defines this struggle, because nothing we do is ever guaranteed to work. We are taking a risk with every treatment. We are gambling our finances, hope, and even our sanity that a healthy baby will be the outcome. And with odds around 50%, we have an equal chance to fail as we do to succeed.

But I'm still going to do it. Because moving forward is the only option for me. I will do whatever it takes. And this is what the journey of infertility is all about. Discovering how badly you want something, and what you are willing to give up to get it.

5 Reasons I'm Grateful for Infertility

I know what you're thinking. "Why would you be grateful for infertility?!" Don't get me wrong, infertility sucks. I've been dealing with it for almost 3 years now. But with time comes wisdom, and there are a few things (I could only think of 5!) that I can honestly say I'm grateful for in terms of my struggle with infertility. Not all women struggling with this may feel gratitude for these things, and that's okay! If anger is the only emotion you feel, that's okay. But I hope that I can provide a unique perspective with my short list of things to be grateful for during this difficult time.

1. I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about my body
I learned more about my body in the first year or 2 of trying to conceive than I ever did as a student in sex ed. There are just certain things nobody likes to talk about! Such as, cervical mucus! I never realized what that junk was! Or what was considered normal, or even fertile cervical mucus. Now I'm jealous of my younger self and the plentiful CM I used to have!

I've also learned to understand my body in ways I never did before. Through bbt charting and using OPK's I've learned to pinpoint ovulation and come to understand the slight ache or cramp I feel when the egg is released. Prior to infertility, I would have thought it was gas! But now that I've come to know the signs that are unique to my body, I have a much better idea of what those slight feelings or changes in my body represent.

2. The bond between my husband and I has grown stronger
This may not be true for every couple, but infertility has definitely brought me closer together with Daniel. I think a large part of that is we each have something "wrong" with us. So there is no blame. We support one another and understand that it's nobodies fault. And don't get me wrong, blame is never okay when it comes to infertility. But I understand that in some situations that might be a difficult emotion to avoid.

I've also realized just how badly Daniel wants to be a father. He's done multiple blood tests, semen analyses, has taken a multitude of vitamins and supplements, and even had surgery to improve our chances of conceiving. Every now and then I hear about a husband that refuses to get tested, probably out of fear that any negative result would diminish his manhood or something. So I'm very grateful that Daniel has never let that get in the way of our diagnosis or treatment.

3. I've realized just how lucky pregnant women truly are
Had I gotten pregnant within 3 months of trying, I'm sure I would have a VERY different perspective on pregnancy. I believe that this struggle changes us, in some good ways and bad. But fundamentally it changes the way we view pregnancy. Almost every woman dealing with infertility will get frustrated when she hears a pregnant woman complain about her pregnancy, or when she says something like "I wish the baby would come early so I can get this over with". I know women who have lost pregnancies in the 2nd or 3rd trimester. Do you think those women would complain about swollen ankles or back aches if they someday make it to full term and deliver a healthy baby?

When I get pregnant, I'm sure I will find things to complain about. But more than anything, I will be GRATEFUL for the morning sickness. I will be grateful for the aches and pains. For the weight gain and stretch marks. Because all of that means that this struggle will soon come to an end, and that my dream of having a baby is finally coming true.

Infertility definitely puts things in perspective, and I'm sure this is the universal truth: any infertile woman would sacrifice just about anything to achieve pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby full-term.

4. I've met some incredible women dealing with infertility
In February of 2012 I came across a website called Babycenter.com and there I found a community of women at every stage of fertility, infertility, pregnancy, and beyond. I found a group for those dealing with infertility and that was the biggest turning point in this journey for me. I learned SO MUCH from these women! More than I've learned from any doctors. These women not only have researched and lived through it, they give support that only a fellow infertile woman can provide. And it's truly priceless.

5. I've become an advocate for my own health
I've learned that not all doctors know what they're talking about. An OB/GYN is the expert on pregnancy, but are they experts on infertility? In most cases, absolutely not! Things that they would say are "normal" can actually be signs that there is a bigger issue that could potentially prevent a pregnancy.

In my 3 years of TTC, I have seen 1 OB/GYN, 2 fertility specialists, and 1 gynecological surgeon. Through my research and advice from fellow infertiles, I have learned to be my own advocate and not to take everything a doctor says as the truth or as the only way things can be addressed. And this is something that can be transferred to all other areas of my life! Being your own advocate is the BEST way to solve any health issues, especially if you are seeing a doctor that thinks it's "normal" or recommends a treatment plan that you're not comfortable with. Educating yourself is the best solution, and getting a 2nd or 3rd opinion should not be the exception to the rule.


So there you have it! My short list of things to be grateful for when struggling with infertility. Sometimes it's important to see the silver lining, even when you're in the middle of a downpour.